Yeah . . . so the thing is many of these people wish they’d gotten a dog instead. Rabid cries of “HELL NO THEY’RE NOT THE SAME” is a decent indicator of silent white-knuckling.

That’s when I’d be doubling down and acting like it was a revelation that Ruby was a dog and promises to sue the hospital to the ground for lying to me.

A crib is made of BARS, which shapes a fragile baby brain into believing that prison is inevitable. It’s been proven that babies who slept in cribs are 312% more likely to commit petty larceny, mayhem, and light arson as adults.

I’d invite you to my Facebook feed, where super-moms chat AT LENGTH about the wraps they have for baby-wearing. They also discuss the horrifying monsters who put their babies in cribs, which is exactly what Hitler would have done if Hitler were a terrible mother and not a dictator.

That’s terrible. I’d have my kid trained to jingle the bell by the door so they can go out and poop in the yard with the dogs.

Your poor friend! I can’t imagine going through that. Btw, you’re an awesome friend for watching her baby so she could sleep. People often only think of material gifts to give to new parents (no judgment, I got some good stuff!), but actions help so, so much.

If I ever have a kid, forget sleep training, they’ll be crate-trained by 12 weeks.

Let’s incessantly ask him for his birth certificate, proof that he doesn’t have a death certificate / is not some reanimated dervish of hair and generic Viagra, and his tax returns for the last 10 years.

I’ve gotten to the point of just really hating this fucking piece of shit. It’s too visceral at this point for me, so I see no need to be articulate about him. Fuck him and fuck every traitorous American who supports this childish, lying, egotistical dumbass.

I’m betting it will be Paul Ryan, the Reluctant Prince of the GOP. We already saw him agonize over the speaker position, he has a lot of practice feigning a moral struggle as he hefts the weight of the Republican leadership upon his shrugging shoulder.

I could imagine a world in which he wins and then uses his innaugural address to resign. I mean, he wants to win president, not necessarily be president.

Oh my God I was just trying to figure that out today too! Is there a precedent for a modern presidential election where one candidate is running unopposed? Because this is what the next six months is going to look like. And if he can’t take day one of scrutiny can you imagine what he’s going to be like after months of…

What would happen if he quit mid-campaign? I don’t think it’s outside the realm of possibility.

That was the weirdest press conference I’ve ever seen outside of the context of a gay sex scandal from a family values candidate.

Seriously, your fetish should not become the entirety of your existence.

OMG, can you imagine? Actually, someone should just rewrite yelp entries using 19th century vocabulary. 10/10 would read.

Your comment makes me wish there was Yelp in 1844.

I tried ambergris once. It gave me the vapours.

Seriously. It also helps when trying to figure out what certain terms mean. So ‘two apples’ has VERY different meaning from 1900 to 2016. Damn giant modern apples.

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