So when I check into the hospital to deliver (any freaking day now), I'll just hand my phone with this app to the doctors and be like, "Yo, this is my birth plan. That baby'd better glow and I'd better be smiling." Right?

More snap nipples.

If it were a mark post I would have expected graphic pictures of biological horrors.

Very weird that this isn't a Mark post, huh?

I had this toy! I honestly have no idea what my mom was thinking when she bought it, and I bring it up whenever she moans about me not wanting children. Like, sorry mom, but I know how that shit works and I don't have space to keep my giant removable convex belly panel in my house for the rest of my life.

Reminds me of the old masterpiece of birthing toys, pregnant Barbie.

I can't wait for the sequel, in which you have to give Kristof a vasectomy. (The freeze-wand would actually be pretty useful there.)

Yeah, I was trying to come up with a good example to give non-penis-havers the same visceral reaction this kind of story instills in penis-havers.

My thighs literally clinched together at that clipper comment.

Ginghers?

Well, it is just some flesh sponges wrapped in a skin tube so any decent pair of scissors should......

My thought process was similar to yours:

"C'mon. That doesn't happen." — Ryan Seacrest, Twitter idiot

I'm with you, Kelly. It fits her like a fucking dream and also makes it look like she was down to just grab Grandma's damask tablecloth, tie it on and shout, "LET'S DO THIS, MOTHERFUCKERS"

I like that Clooney laughed his ass off at it, as well.

Frances McDormand is magnificent.

Totally! Amal looked nervous about laughing at first, but damn that made me laugh so hard.

I seriously bust out laughing so hard at the Clooney joke. So much better than the Cosby joke, which Fey already did on Weekend Update all those years ago. But the Cosby joke was about the courage in presenting it in the first place, so I'm totally behind that, too. :)