Not really related but I'll never forget when I was little and my dad told me that vanilla extract tasted as good as it smells and offered me a spoonful. My world shattered. God what a bastard.

I just did a little research and the Emmys didn't introduce the "Outstanding Guest Performer in a Comedy Series" category until the year after this episode aired. Probably because they wished they could have given him one.

Did they have to extract her from her vehicle?

Physically? Yes. That was about six years ago.

I forgot the best part of the story. I work for a tech company so it's a very business like atmosphere. At this point i'm wearing an unbuttoned chef's jacket and bare chested underneath. I walked up to my bosses office because I knew she had an aloe plant. I asked to cut a bit off because I burned myself and without…

I'm just glad to learn that you were using the shampoo for self-pleasuring. When you said that, my first thought was "OH JESUS FUCK THAT POOR PERSON ON THE OTHER END OF THAT WHY ARE YOU NOT TELLING THEIR STORY." As a woman, the thought of shampoo in my vagina made me do the down-under equivalent of recoiling in…

thank you for strengthening my resolve to never do the dishes.

This isn't me, but it was a guy I was dating at the time. We had vermicelli for dinner. There was one little dried bit of vermicelli stuck to the botom of the pot. Boyfriend, who was always cleaning pots and pans with his hands first to "save sponges" (WTF even is that) was cleaning it and decided to scrape the piece…

I'm personally more likely to hit myself in the face with a door or slam my fingers in one but punching myself also happens pretty often. This is especially true when I switch from glasses to contacts and try to adjust glasses that arent there.

oooh, that made me remember i once gave myself a papercut on my eyeball! i had one of those fold out posters from tigerbeat (bsb, natch) and rather than unfolding it like a normal person i just shook it, and it flew open and sliced the white bit of my eye! weirdest feeling ever.

I work in a kitchen and we got a new BIG pot. We were making mashed potatoes and when it came time to drain the taters I decided to lift the pot to the sink. BAD BAD DUMB IDEA. I KNEW it was too big and shouldn't have gone for it but I did anyways. The second I started lifting my brain and my boss yelled, "NO, THAT'S…

YOU BIT YOUR TONGUE RIGHT OFF. NO. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

I did that in bed once! Reached down one-handed to hike the covers a little farther up, but they were caught on something and didn't budge, so I just yanked harder. At which point I lost my grip and punched myself in the face. No lasting damage, but my husband couldn't go to sleep for twenty minutes b/c he was…

I once severed my tongue (did you know they could reattach those?) in a library, on the first day after their renovations (I ended up volunteering there 15 years later, it was apparently legend.) I tripped and bit it clear off.

i want to call it right now, that is the dumbest thing i've ever heard.

Well, my now husband and were having pizza one afternoon. After we were done eating, one thing lead to another and I starting giving him a good ol BJ. I was horny, so was he, so I got on top and started riding away, enjoying ourselves. Then I felt a slight burning sensation. I was like, oh whatever, it'll go away.…

Bloody nose and lip pulling up my own bra strap. My hand slipped and I punched myself.

Dislocated my jaw by yawning.

I yawned my face off.

i have done a billion fucking dumb shit things but i just wanna start with the fact that i have cut myself pretty excellently with a plastic butter knife.