“My guys are fucking savages in that fucking juice box, right?”

In this economy?

Someone saw him playing tennis, called him the Michelin man and he misheard it. This has to have happened more than once, so by virtue of it being said to him multiple times he thought nobody was called a “Michigan” man more so therefore he’s the Michigan man of the year! 

I feel like the only thing you got right was counting to three successfully.

Nah... Shirts.

Wait a minute the guys name was Gary?

there hasn’t been this much fuss about a second Schutt Air since the JFK assassination

Well, I don’t blame him. You can’t exactly search Backpage anymore when you want some helmet. 

Consisting of one 500,000$ bill.

When I was in 4th grade I once threw a pitch sideways, it just slipped out of my hand and hit the fence on the 3rd base dugout.   The ump was confused, and my father had to tell him that it was a ball.

It’s so on-brand that the Mariners would finish second even in a race to the bottom.

But how would I get my boner?

When you’re a Jet,
You’re a Jet ‘til you die
From your first Keurig cup
To your last pizza pie.

When you’re a Jet,
You can eat on the can,
“You good?” to the wife,
You’re a family man.

You’re never alone,
You’re never intercepted.
You’re home on your phone—
When sleep is expected,
You’re well connected!

Then on the set
Of the…

No, this is poetic:

before you get all crazy with his commitment as a coach it’s actually a tape of her fucking the guy from the front desk from the last road trip

This is that Uncle that gets drunk at the BBQ and starts challenging all the “youngins” at one on one because he can still “take them to school”.

(Also, for a second I read one of these as only calling Trump “our Great Mister” and nearly spat my coffee to the back wall.)

He’s just happy he stayed in Ohio; it’s way easier to get strikeouts in a swing state.

I wouldn’t worry too much about the injured. In my experience, there are plenty of Chinese spare ribs to go around.

I bet it was jeffvanhungry’s colleague Gary.