Get out of here with your crazy ideas. If our tax payer dollars aren’t paying to torture and execute people, how can good, law-abidin’ people get their boners over blood atonement?!?!?

I don’t see this working. I can’t even get refills on my migraine meds without doing a goddamn soft-shoe jig for my doctor, because apparently triptans have a real presence on the street (the kids are here for the sweet side effects, like dry mouth and muscle aches).

Sorry, guy, but this is highly addictive. I’ll write you a script for prescription strength ibuprofen though.

Does that mean we can give Ted Cruz back to Calgary?

Well, she also has a show coming out, so she can’t be spouting the “Trump will tear the whole system down” line of bullshit.

My boss voted Jill Stein. Yes, she is still crowing about her pure vote and how she “just couldn’t vote for the lesser of two evils.”

I dunno. What is the sound a vagina makes when it dries up and curls in on itself, blinking itself out of existence?

His organs, if in good working order, could have been donated to people who needed them?

Female Thor is obviously a race traitor.

A quick (disgusting) scroll through his Tweets reveals that he is obsessed with Captain America and also stuff that is “Jew-controlled” (as in, banks, media, Captain America).

My complicated spreadsheet I made for work was Jewish-inspired.

Bookmarking for the next time I need an Ipecac.

Gravity is a liberal myth, as are Cooper ligaments and underwire!

You gotta work through the badges, like Silver Star up to Gold Star. First you need the “White Guilt” badge, which you get by commenting in a sympathetic manner on stories about police brutality. Then it’s onto “Ally Cookies,” where you “like” the Black Lives Matter Facebook page.

Agreed. I think a lot of white people think of KFC when they think fried chicken. It’s was a whole ‘nother level when I attended my first Southern picnic and had homemade fried chicken. And cheddar grits. And vinegary greens.

It helps the mayo go down smoother....

The master race, everybody.

How do stairs work? Ways to keep my tie from flying in my face. How to get an even fake-bake.

First order of business: down with those gold curtains in the Oval Office. Second order: demonstrate for the press my proficiency with steps.

You know, when I am meeting with members of our global team, I always take five minutes to Google customs of the country in question. It takes five literal minutes and it helps me avoid looking like a stupid idiot. And I’m just a finance scrub. I’m not the president, and I put more effort into fostering…