Grew up poor in a ranch-style house and was routinely asked if I thought we had the money to “heat the outside” when I didn’t get inside fast enough in the winter.

Good call. It would not be unlike his public humiliation of Chris Christie.

I feel like your dog might get into some pay-to-play scheme where she trades contracting deals for belly rubbins.

So Cumberbatch is my sophomore college roommate, a white girl who claimed to “be a black girl on the inside”? Or is he just channeling a British Captain Obvious thing?

C’mon though. You can’t say that you don’t see a picture of Dylan Roof or Steve Bannon and think “THERE’S the master race. For sure.”

Literacy can’t melt steel beams!

It’s a slippery slope though. First they’ll want to be taught to read, then they’ll want clean water and air....

I’m sensing a Common Core math conspiracy a’brewin’!

Aggressive lip-licking.

I was planning a trip to Estonia but it’s in Europe so.....

I am the coastal elitist that you were warned about.

Jesus Christ on a cracker, I don’t have state secrets and even I keep my work shit in a fucking manila folder.

Economic anxiety tho.

Only Keith Morrison can save us now!

“Libtard” has always sounded like a flexible, flame-retardant coating that you put on, say, Dickies work pants because you work as a welder and have sparking risks.

I still love, in an evil bitch sorta way, that all Chris Christie really wants in life is to be friends with Bruce Springsteen and ol’ Bruce basically said “nah.”

Do you even have to live in Jersey to be governor? I might run....

We got a thorough accounting of which emails were on what server, and which ones were deleted, and which ones were on Anthony Wiener’s laptop, so I think we covered the salient stuff.

“Cognitive dissonance”? Save your elitist words and concepts for your safe space, librul. I’m too economically anxious to deal with you right now. I’m waiting for Trump to open up the coal mine again and give me my job back.

(/s, obviously)

I rest easy at night, knowing that the right server is being used. All is well with the world.