Last time I was in my hometown (Western PA), I was called a “stupid cunt” for driving a Mazda.

Sometimes we just lie and say we’re in love with him, because we can’t find a better man. And we dream in color, we dream in red - because we can’t find a better man.

Ha ha ha, well THIS American paid over $10,000 for a cyst removal near her heart, thank you very much! USA! USA! USA! <sobs quietly in the corner>

Did someone say Ina Garten? Time to post this!

Her jalapeno cheddar corn bread is a go-to for chili nights.

See, I’d dress up as the Greenfield Bridge, wrap my legs in some loose black mesh, and then randomly throw chunks of concrete in my wake.

But if you don’t move, where will they put their hand-crafted cupcake shop?

I had a Da Vinci robot surgery in 2013. It meant that instead of cracking open my breastbone, Dr. Robot went in the side, under my arm. So instead of a zipper scar, I have a scar the size of a dime that kinda looks like the Eye of Sauron.

Yeah, considering my job only gives me three days off for the death of a parent, I’m not sure what Kim is supposed to do that will make people happy.

His smugness about his taste buds makes me wanna cram a strip of undercooked liver in his mouth.

I’ve been trying for almost a year, and my 19 year old cousin just had her (unwanted, but she’s Catholic) baby. Smoked the whole time. Probably never took a vitamin. My head is going to explode.

Jesus Christ.

C’mon....you mean to say that you and your classmates didn’t disagree on the themes behind “Hills Like White Elephants”? Like maybe one person thought it was about how certain bitches should be in the KILL column?

This is good in theory, but I don’t use Emu cream, catheters, or reverse mortgages.

Ha ha, the teenager who killed my mom in an automobile crash walked away with some light fines, but it’s totes cool because my mother and our family are “in his prayers and his parents’ prayers.”

I’ve cut my dad out of my life due to this. Since he retired and got a live-in girlfriend (a Tea Partying racist piece of shit), he’s turned into a racist shitbag himself.

Can’t you all be quiet? Cab Calloway is giving a concert in a few minutes.

YUP. Worked at a country club in college as a waitress. Their favorite move is eating the entire steak / sea bass / lobster tail and THEN complaining that it was bad to get out of the check.

I’ll miss Onion Joe more than Real Joe. The bootleg “I’m with Her” shirts, the unofficial tours of the White House, his grow room in the basement....so many good stories.

When I went to Italy last year, I had a halting conversation with a taxi driver. He didn’t speak much English at all, but he did know enough words to convey that he loves Obama.