Whenever I get super-drunk, I pee a lot, hug people, and then fall asleep in awkward positions.

At the very least, join the Hollywood chapter of Toastmasters!

I’m “totes” carry-all-my-shit-awkwardly-in-my-two-hands, “y’all.”

She’s a wild woman tho. She’ll nip your nose with her piranha teeth and then run thirty victory laps around the yard until she collapses as if dead.

So basically a shark is like a water-version of my Newfoundland puppy.

She’ll be the Anti-Monitor, enemy of the entire multi-verse.

All of the continuity issues within the Kardashian universe will be resolved in a “Crisis on Infinite Earths” style pare-down, when the Khloe from Earth-Prime does battle with the shadowy Kris of Earth-13 (she extinguished the sun). And Kylie’s lip kits are sold out on all worlds in the multiverse, alas.

“Dingus” is the term I use for my dog when she runs headfirst into our pear tree in a vain attempt to catch the squirrel.

You have to be very careful of your T.Swift criticisms here. I once made a joke referencing some of her song lyrics and got a thesis on how I’m not a real feminist because she wrote those lyrics when she was twelve or something.

D’Brickashaw Ferguson.

On the plus side, Jason Aldean, you can now use this experience to write a song that’s the natural successor to Brad Paisley’s “Accidental Racist.”

Looks remarkably like how we used to fight with Cow Tails (tm) caramel treats in middle school, necessitating the lunch ladies to ban them forevermore.

This is my dream. I never would want to be a big name actor, constantly eating dust and kale to stay stick thin, constantly trying to stay young looking to get those sweet roles that evaporate when I turn 27. I want marginal success in television and then syndication, so that I can get those sweet re-run checks and…

Of all the nostalgia food coming back, I really wish they’d bring back Croonchy Stars cereal. Like Cinnamon Toast Crunch, only with more sugar.

Or that trash Josh Mankiewicz. I want my murder correspondent to sound turned on by murder, not disgusted by it.

Exactly right. Lauer is your go-to guy for fun summer staycation ideas and softball questions to ask the Jonas Brothers right before they go live for their morning concert. He’s not the one you go to for hard-hitting follow up questions.

Or Pikachu.

I wonder if the plumber schtick works too? What with laying pipe and all....