My perfect candidate is Carl Sagan resurrected with Teddy Roosevelt’s glorious mustache, and since I didn’t get that, fuck everything.

It gets really damned old.

He reproduces asexually through binary fission. If you look closely at his shoulder in the pic, you’ll see that he’s starting to bud a baby Ed Sheeran there.

It made me feel....I dunno....like we are a united states, almost. Instead of a constant battle to see which state can be the most regressive shit-hole, suddenly it felt like one, big happy family.

With Kasich and Portman and Chabot, it can be hard to be proud of being an Ohioan, but then I remember Sherrod and Marcia Fudge and all the wonderful people in my county’s Democrat organization and I feel a little better.

I like to pretend that they both died in a black mold explosion, and we are watching them struggle through their own personal hell of grey laminate, uniform tiling in the bath and kitchen, and that one contractor with the unique facial hair who’s always giving them low-ball estimates.

I know people like this. They magically deserve what the gubment gives them, but when it’s one of them “welfare queens,” they should really just close their legs and bootstrap it....

I love the porn stars being fed lines. It’s probably my favorite segment.

I did the Cap’n Crunch photo shoot at a southern plantation, but please don’t yell at me about it because I totally have black friends....

The recipe is free, but the artless-mojis are extra, and don’t you want a Cap’n Crunch emoji? Do you think you can live your best, curated life without one?

Y’all should check out the new recipe on my app - Cap’n Crunch with milk.

This is one of those moments where you think you have a great idea but really need to cool your tits and tell yourself, “maybe don’t.”

Pshaw. I only use organic argan oil.

She just used the “find/replace” option in Word.

How thin-skinned are they? I dunno, but we should probably give them guns either way. /s

Can’t wait to see the mental hoops my Penn State-lovin’ family is going to jump through at the reunion this year....

I think people who are questioning her calm are all lucky enough to have never dealt with a tragedy so closely. You never know how you’ll react when you are suddenly faced with a car accident, a near-drowning, or in Ms. Reynolds’ case, the shooting and death of your boyfriend. Some people fall apart immediately,…

Flyover country - Cincinnati area. Stuff here is dirt cheap, there’s a minor league hockey team that hosts regular dollar dogs and beer nights, and there’s enough dark skies that I can indulge in amateur astronomy when the mood strikes.

It gets very hot and humid though, and if it snows, Cincinnatians can’t drive in…

That’s over two years worth of mortgage payments for me....

“Is that a crack in the plaster or a cobweb?”