I think if you are an Ohio woman of child-bearing age, you can’t take a chill pill unless it’s under the care of a doctor with admitting rights to two hospitals (one Catholic, the other Catholic), and that’s after you get a signed permission slip from your husband, your priest, and two professional (male) references.

I would take a chill pill, Johnny, but you’ve been steadily undermining women’s health by hiding nefarious measures in budget bills. I’d call you a fucking dumpster fire, but fire cleanses and therefore has some value.

Well now I’m just picturing a lump of smooth plastic down there....

My cats said “yummo” when I fed them Nutrish.

This doesn’t have nearly enough stars.

I was a poor kid that never got to see a whale touch a ball with its nose and I grew up to be a spiritually empty adult.

+1 “These Colors Don’t Run” beer cozie

“...but once 11 AM hits, baby, I’m on that Grey Goose like a hamster on a cage-mounted water bottle.”

Ugh, I totally hate where my spleen is. If I could just move it up a bit, I’d be totally hot.

Ted Cruz is the word “moist” made flesh.

Gwen Stefani, by casting her lot with this Bud-Lite-can-tower made flesh, has broken little 14 year old artless.dodger’s heart, retroactively.

Everyday savings, low prices, AND soulmates.

I know the universe is a cold, unfeeling void, but sometimes it just puts you right where you need to be, ya know? Beside your soulmate, at the Kroger self-checkout.

When we inevitably break up, Adele will write a song about our tragic love.

It’s not a very effective campaign. “Oh, I just busted my ass for three hours at Bob Evans waiting on this table of needy assholes, and as a tip I got twenty bucks.....<unfolds tip>.....oh fuck.”

By Gwen’s logic then, I should dump my husband and take up with the old man who lives two blocks away, because we are both going through the pain of a full-bathroom remodel at the exact same time. Or maybe I should start dating the girl from the 5K last weekend who had to stop and re-tie her shoe at the exact same…

Hey, at least the tip was “sorry” and not that fake money that Christians give out on Sundays that fake the waiter/waitress into thinking they just got a $20 but really got a fucking Bible pamphlet instead.

I’m a vegetarian and I feed my dogs (and cats) regular ol’ pet food. Hell, I’ve even bought chicken breasts for the dogs when they have a stomach bug.

Suddenly the howling like wolves seems very silly....

I didn’t even know it was an election year, to be honest.