Fuck you, UBER. You’ve been ethically and morally shitty, shitty, shitty at every turn — from your creation to the present day. You habitually run over ethics in the same way that your car ran over Elaine.

Big deal! I’ll be reaching to the back of the fridge tonight for green turkey, stuffing, potatoes and cranberry sauce left over from Thanksgiving.

“The plan is for people with terminal illnesses to be hooked up to a heart-lung machine while Nectome pumps “its mix of scientific embalming chemicals” into their necks...”

And their heads will be stored on an empty tuna can like Ted Williams. 

This is an issue created by the poor writing of the post author, not Jimmy. The point that should be made was NOT that Jimmy’s kid is at risk, but hundreds of other children of more modest circumstances COULD be at risk.

It would be nice if Kimmel would announce which companies have shied away from using him, if we are talking about sponsorships and endorsements. I would like to cost those businesses commercially.

If you make friends with Stan Lee you might be able to use his credit card to buy these.

If you make friends with Stan Lee you might be able to use his credit card to buy these.

If it was not shit, you must acquit.

If either Nintendo or Google paid you for the blog post, you would suddenly stop sighing.

I think maybe a lot of them are smart enough, they’re just not brave enough to go against the flow. That’s my experience anyway.

Only “more than half?” You haven’t lived long enough!

My father is 86. He takes the family out for birthday dinners (three of us, so three times a year). He insists — NO, GODDAMMIT — on paying. And he tips 5 to 10 percent because that’s how it was when he ran a bar/restaurant (more bar than restaurant) in the 60s. I have to tuck two $10 bills into that little watch…

I’ll start watching when they carry this former ESPN daily staple.

WHY, WHY, WHYYYYY didn’t Carl whisper a teary-eyed (yet hopeful) confession to Michonne...
“Here I am, about to die... and I’ve never, ever... never touched a lady’s boob!”

When he coached in the CBA, Henry Bibby got in trouble for slipping a waitress in Tulsa or OKC or somewhere similar this note after a midnight greasy-spoon meal:

“My name is Henry Bibby and I would like to eat your pussy all night long.”

iTunes is THE FUCKING WORST. Has been, is, and always will be THE FUCKING WORST.

Too bad Hulk Hogan never advertised on Gawker.

And Clint Fucking Howard! They whiffed by not making him belt out a long belly laugh.

During the days of the red envelopes, I used to joke that having a Netflix subscription was like having a secret key to the world’s shittiest video rental store.

This was not a good movie. Performances were OK. Concept and plot points were derivative and predictable and seemed like they were created by someone who hasn’t seen/read a whole lot of SF at all. And those last 10 seconds? Thanks for the laughs.

Because it’s even more difficult to climb a light pole with your ass.