Now I know that not only is Bravo giving tv time to the front for a sex-slave/organ farm, but I am still super lame for listening to Gotye’s albums.

If he added a Bey to his name, Beyoncé would have sued his ass for irreparable harm.

Do we sail tonight for Singapore?

All I see is a lamp.

Well, as I’ve heard it said, it’s cockgerbil’s world; we’re just living in it.

A toast! To moral turpitude!

“the whole Kardashian family, to prove their worth.”

I’ve already got my essential toiletries in my messenger bag (toothbrush, soap, ibuprofen), I gotta imagine there’s room for some tampons.

In a “they deserve each other” sort of way?

Abso-fucking-lutely. There wouldn’t even be sex; just hours of titillation, innuendo and ribaldry.

Was locked out of pet-sitting client’s place just now. Just finished last food and care, rounding up trash. Go out back to make sure nothing is missed, realize the door is closed behind me. All emergency contacts are on papers in the house, and a flurried e-mail exchange with the owners (as they return through…

He doesn’t know what to do with his hands when he’s standing still! How does he manage make-outs?

Your certificate and paper hat are already in the mail.

Most people were probably stealing ‘ludes from someone who looked like Nico. Hashtag lowered expectations.

Is the “I’m a Little Teapot” dance done in pairs in Cuba?

hashtag squad goals?

“...bummed that ‘the kids’ wouldn’t get to stare at psychologically damaged animals up close anymore.”

Isn’t denying that he’s a drunken asshole simply destroying his country music credentials?

*looks at his cat license*

Only 12 feet high? That doesn’t sound yuuuuuge enough for Trump.