...a coffee maker?

If it doesn’t involve bacon, Nick Offerman, or video games, the rest of the Internet hasn’t been keeping up.

*singing*

The couple that visited today to request a license told her they had been together for 17 years. They then asked her how long each of her four marriages has lasted.

‘Tis a silly place.

Done. I’m done with this week. If you need me, hold an empty liquor bottle to your ear. You can hear the sounds of fruitless pleas for decency and sanity.

FALLON: Yeah, yeah, great, wow, yeah, awesome, yeah.

That’s what’s on my Deal with Awful News Bingo Card®. Some of the others have different celebrities or repeated themes in awful news.

Affluenza, divine inspiration, a misunderstanding of what constitutes consent, and a resemblance to Jason Schwartzman in Rushmore.

All former members of Lawndale High’s Fashion Club, it sounds like.

Gotta find a way to pay for your toddler’s Pilates class.

...Love your hair.

Not mine, someone else’s. I do plan on partying like it is mine.

Tonight’s schedule: popcorn, E.T., and the sloppiest birthday party that was ever slopdashed. Crack out the good times, Jezzies!

Ever since the Monidouche and the Merridouche fought in 1826, the old wooden douchegalleons were obsolete.

Real feminists keep an eye out for laser-beam security alarms near the fire exits.

Rudeboy : fuckboy :: badass : dumbass

Because you acknowledge reality on a regular basis?

The Doo-Dah man would be ashamed of this behavior.