Pivoting to Team Jacob during a runoff is a classic flip-flop and I will show up for kickball at dusk over it.

I didn’t know how bad I wanted a 50 Cent/Ja Rule Christmas album until right this minute.

If anything countless direct to video movies in the mid 2000's have taught me, it’s that giant genetically modified snakes are a great idea in search of a problem until they get loose. That’s why you always have an equally giant snake of a different species on hand to fight it. Bing bang boom, problem solved.

Whell, that used to resonate when coach tried to motivate me to get out there!

The Queer Eye For the Straight Guy crew dropped by. They had no notes.

Don’t worry, I brought backup.

I’d chalk it up more to the entirely valid criticism of talented voice actors missing out on movie roles for a celebrity stunt cast just doing their normal voice. No one actually gives a shit that Chris Pratt ain’t a paisan.

Sure, let me just take a flying leap to the top of a flagpole, ride it all the way down like a stunad. Fuggoutta’ere.

As a 3/8ths Italian-American, I am looking forward to Chris Pratt giving some proper representation on-screen. Contrary to long standing stereotypes, no: we don’ta all talka like a dis! I have never uttered “wahoo” in my life and I don’t know any other Italian-American who does. Good on him for not leaning into lazy…

She’s like a cringe comedy character with no off switch.

Oh no, he definitely drinks most of them and they build up like the kid from Signs. I can’t tell if the table lamp casts a reflection or I’m seeing a ring of Coke can shaped stains. Either way, leaving at least 3 Caffeine Free Coke cans too many without so much as a wet wipe on some sort of wipeable tile before…

I couldn’t tell if that was the reflection from some kind of post-modern table lamp or if he’s been leaving a not quite finished 12 pack of Caffeine Free Diet Coke like the girl from Signs. Why is the water bottle marked Wednesday holding a few “spits” of water, literally no cap, in a shot posted on a Monday?

I couldn’t figure what it was until I looked it up and it’s no surprise this guy is all vajra and no ghanta. Also unironically hilarious that his replica guns on his bedside table would crowd out room for his Buddhist morning meditation on indestructibility through bodhi.

The nightstand guns are the least of my questions. Why is the partially filled water (I assume) bottle marked “Wednesday” when this picture was posted on Monday? If he has a bedside vajra for morning meditations, then where’s the ghanta? Was there no room, and if so why do you keep your ornamental replica guns next to…

Fine, if no one else is going to say it then I’m going to say it:

I can already hear them screaming in unison when they discover Kevin Hart’s hand is not wedged between two pillows.

Sorry, it’s my first day!

Easy: classic selfie strategy to make yourself look hotter.

I can see where you’d think I’d be upset, because I JUST noticed I meant to write “He said ‘This erection is about the people.’” (emphasis mine)