The stocking cap, when combined with Tom’s concussion water, creates a forcefield around the head. Duh.

All that heat coming out of your head is just wasted calories. If Tom wears a toque in between meal times he gets to treat himself to a broiled, skinless chicken breast for dessert. The pom-pom on top enhances his aura and replaces electrolytes.

Arms are hot, other stuff is cold. Obviously.

Pictured: Gar Foreman.

This is one of those jokes that would really piss off sitcom writers, because they didn’t come close to thinking of it but the actor just ad libs it with no effort.

Maybe the refs would be nicer if for just once the players tried using carrots instead of sticks.

If there’s anyone in this thread you should trust, it’s PROBABLY Poop_Break.

On the way back from my honeymoon (Turks and Caicos) we were waiting for our flight. I went into the bathroom and sat down on the stall to take a really large hangover-fueled shit. In the stall next to me I hear this little kid’s voice “Dad...I’m done...” then there’s a really long pause and the kid says meekly “I…

What the fuck? Is this a US thing? In Canada if you text a landline, a robot voice reads it out. It costs 10 cents but that robot will say anything. ANYTHING!

Prepare to have your mind blown. You can buy a bag of JUST these chips. First time I had them I ate most of the bag and felt sick the rest of the day.

Now there’s a man who can really take it to the ring.

The Takes were handmade and woven with care.

As sanctimonious and sonorous as it could be, The Sports Reporters was one of the few places on ESPN where one could listen to grown-ups.

Turns out, having a head “on a swivel” is really fucked up and not at all how bones should work.

Get used to it. Starting tomorrow, all sorts of regulations are going to be ignored, especially when Washington is involved.

He had to be in on it, right? My man could have gotten seriously fucked up on those rocks if he didn’t clear them.

Run for president.

Boosters.

At 10% or collateral its pretty certain a relative put their house up for him to get bonded. Usually when they can’t bond out due to high bond they can also apply for a bond reduction.

It’s normally 10% of the bond total when using a bail bondsman. Still, $9k for a college student is a lot.