I’m investing my money into the only thing that has been scientifically proven to create happiness:

It’s gonna be a long year and a half until he gets impeached.

Club and Ritz aren’t even close to the same cracker. One is rectangle and the other is round.

Check your local gas station/convenience store. Most of those places carry them. I think Walmart does as well.

FACT: Tom Brady has never eaten a strawberry.

“In my client’s inebriated state he mistook the wall sconces in Café Presto for a real fire. Just a drunk guy trying to do a good deed for the city of Boston folks!”

His shooting form has been described as, “Chunky.” Hey, you are what you eat!

Can’t wait for the locker room pranks he’s going to pull. Ready for some good old fashioned Tomsula-y tomfoolery!

Not only do we have to hold our noses to decide who to root for in the Super Bowl, we also have to do it while listening to Joe Buck and Troy Aikman.

“Zach it’s fine, lots of players end up in wheelchairs after their careers are over!” - Ravens, probably

Marvel has been kicking their ass for years at the box office so I wouldn’t be surprised either.

How do you get a job where your boss lets you rant about stuff and that’s it? I would be perfect for that. Can I be Hamilton Jr. and write these while you’re on vacation?

Wouldn’t doubt it!

As a never-arrested person, how does bond work? Hard to believe a college freshman came up with $90,000 so he didn’t have to sit in jail until his trial.

No we use the dead ones the rich discard.

Us poors recreate this by lighting matches and then quickly extinguishing them in our lone bathroom/kitchen combos.

If you don’t know you can’t afford it.

Where else are you going to put your Nepalesian yak milk decorative soaps and 12,000 thread count Egyptian cotton decorative towels????

Siena already played at Rider on December 5th, so we’ll have to wait until next year for the exciting rematch!

Washington is home to the Wizards, Capitals, Nationals...if they want to stick with the nationalistic racist imagery why not just change their name to the Dragons?