Hi Carson.

Must have been all the sugar*!

“This is how I feel normally, and this is how I feel when I don’t tinkle for too long.”

Above the urinals at Progressive Field they have ads for pills that help make a curved penis straighter. I don’t know why but it seems relevant to the conversation at hand.

That John Madden is a heckuva ball coach! He’s like a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a Turducken! Who knows what that guy’s thinking...all I know is it’s probably right and it’s probably going to lead to higher cholesterol!

It’s pronounced “Iggles”.

I’d rather not.

Did you guys hear about this thing now? Apparently Donald Trump has declared that Tuesday, November 8th is Erection Day. Yeah I heard about it from my Viagra guy, Throbbin’ Thurman.

It’s like you reverse-engineered the vomit gag from SNL’s “Mark Jensen Family Christmas” sketch. Brilliant!

Tonight is Game 2. Cleveland leads the series by 1 game. They won by 6. The telephone area code for Cleveland is 216. You can’t explain that!

The New York Giants have a lot in common with my bowels. They both release pieces of shit.

I just threw up in my mouth a little.

I have a very strong feeling you are the only Deadspin commenter who knew that off the top of your head.

I thought 20 was too young to run for President, but good luck to her!

“Let’s go to the tape...no not that tape Kevin. The tape is clear that...no I don’t mean the clear tape. I mean the film. No not the film the adhesive leaves behind on your cheek...”

“No it’s in dog years. His age only goes up every 7 years.” - An idiot named Ryan

Hey that’s my line.

Oh it was intitional.

Drew, between the burger and the chili, which would you say is hooter?

I would pay tens of dollars to see that.