I bet my purchases were totally a coded signal that it was time to lay down the smoothest rap he knew.

Oh, I’ve got the bitch face down. Kid Electron has taken to introducing me to new friends with, “And that’s my mommy, she only looks mean.”

And yeah, Coke Zero and salt and vinegar chips FOREVER. Nothing gets me back on my feet after a migraine like that.

I know. I’m such a mean mother.

This isn’t about letting someone down gently, this is about a nineteen year old kid overstepping his bounds and propositioning a (stay with me here) married mother because I say “please” and “thank you” during transactions. This is a guy who ran through his little Cyrano speech even after I told him I was married (and…

Giant honkin’ wedding band on my left hand. Hell, I’ve been in his line with my husband before.

Just yesterday, I was at the corner store buying my standard migraine hangover cure: giant ass Coke Zero and some salt-and-vinegar potato chips. I had messed up hair, sunglasses deployed, ratty-ass clothes, and Kid Electron in tow, because it’s just not a migraine hangover without a three-year-old asking for Skittles…

My FIL always backs the winner of the presidential election. He’s decided this country needs Trump.

This story’s probably going to out me to a few people who’ve heard it before, but here goes.

CMEs, though. Real and we’re vulnerable. You wanna shut up a whole room of utility engineers? Read the solar weather to them during the peak of a sunspot cycle. I’m fun at IEEE conventions.

So you’re saying they’re literally basic bitches?

Who downloaded this smarm onto my phone? I DIDN’T ASK TO BE SMARMED AT, APPLE.

I can’t tell you how many times boogiefeminists from Planned Parenthood jumped out of my closet and demanded I abort my pregnancy so they could turn a profit. “Those donations you give us just aren’t enough,” they said. “We’ve come for your wanted pregnancy. GIVE US THE FEEEEEEETUSSSSSSSS. The money must flow.”

Every fucking thing about this gave me the full body spasms of horror.

I thought about it for a minute and decided it could have been worse — she could be boning Franzen (booooooooo). But then my brain took it to its logical , shitty wunderkind conclusion and thought, well she could have broken up Chabon’s marriage, which would have resulted in so, so, so many obnoxious think pieces from…

SUN CANNON FODDER!

Who wants to fund my kickstarter for a celebrity sun cannon?

I want to play tourist in that life.

You just reminded me of my cousin’s wedding, which I didn’t attend, but heard was a hoot. She and her husband are champion swing dancers. They hired a swing band and basically built the wedding around an excuse to hold a party for their friends. The videos and pictures I have seen have been utterly charming.

Mr. Atom…

A couple of college friends learned to foxtrot and another pair learned to rhumba, and that was rad. This one girl wanted the wedding party to dance to some Doris Day dubstep mash up. That was where I peaced out.

I have had to talk people out of the following: