We’re getting a Nordstrom Rack next year and I’m super excited for it.

I had a pair when I was thinner, and they were OK but they bagged like a mofo.

I want a pair of jeans which doesn’t come up to my nipples. I want a pair of jeans which doesn’t highlight the ball o’ flab that is my pregnancy-ravaged midsection. I want a pair of jeans which fit my goddamned legs, because I have worked hard for those thighs and calves. I want a pair of jeans which flatters my butt.…

My husband looks like David Tennant. We were once stalked through a Costco by a crowd of geek girls absolutely convinced it was him, and that he was only pretending to be American to avoid detection.

He finally “signed” some autographs, all of them reading, “I’m not David Tennant. Best Wishes, Random Costco Guy.”

When Tropic Thunder came out, I had to call the production office for a media-related issue. He was there and had the guy I was talking to put me on speaker phone so he could berate me for letting them know they were about to put out a typo-ladened press kit. Fuck that guy.

I used to bump into Bryan Cranston around town when he was filming Breaking Bad and he was so kind and so polite, especially when I was trying to figure out where I knew him from. One time we were both stuck in line for coffee and I told him how when I was in college, my chemistry teacher father used to muse that he…

When it came down to it, the choice was fertility treatments or travel. We decided to do an around-the-world trip in the spirit of Paul Theroux and Long Way Round, to make memories and have adventures and just live life. We would board a train in London and get off in Beijing. Hop to Tokyo and then home. We each had…

I lived that dream in high school. It was fucking glorious.

Some dude tried to neg me at the gym a few weeks ago, with a combo of sneering at my warm-up weight, calling me fat, and implying that my wedding ring was fake. I was like, “Yeah, bro. This is my warm-up weight, which is only twenty pounds below your one rep max, my body grew a human, and that adonis doing muscle ups…

It guessed 21. I am 37. YES. I found a photo where I look tired and harried and it guessed 24. GOOD WEBSITE. BEST WEBSITE.

A school we were looking at for Kid Electron had similar requirements. Her lunch would have to consist of a lean, unprocessed protein, a grain, a fruit, and a vegetable and water to drink. The lists of forbidden foods included processed meats, red meat, dairy, nuts, prepackaged applesauce, any food with a high sugar…

So very much this. It rankles that OKC gets to be "true civilization" but the entirety of New Mexico is dismissed. Insulting.

... Oklahoma City for sleep, which marked the last of our contact with true civilization before we hit L.A some two weeks later.

I was released this afternoon! Hurray! Also, there’s a shortage, so while they know she’s opinionated, they’re happy to look the other way as long as she does good work.

Damn it, I knew I was missing one of the important preschooler food groups behind “Pizza,” “Costco Samples” and “Frozen Yogurt, but not with the sprinkles.”

My occupational therapist is absolutely certain I have post-lyme syndrome, and didn’t have a small stroke. Every appointment is an ordeal, as she tries to tell me to ignore “big medicine” and “find [my] own truth.”

I just sit there, fumbling with the small buttons, wondering how it is she can rant about big medicine…

I read between the lines — Clams, sushi, octopus, grilled pork, steak, Parmesan cheese, ginger, mint, cinnamon and coconut — my three-year-old also loves all of those (minus the octopus) items, but with her own preschooler twist. I’m imagining when he says “mint” he’s leaving off “ice cream” and “cinnamon” means “he…

Yep. My MIL could wear a different St John suit every day of the month and replace them seasonally, but she wears jeans from Old Navy and souvenir t-shirts. She colors her hair in her bathroom. I’ve watched salespeople be completely rude and condescending to her until she drops her Amex Black Card, and then they’re…

Sing it.

Mostly it’s just me sputtering “IT’S NOT EMBARRASSING TO LIFT MORE WEIGHT THAN YOUR BOYFRIEND” after another day at the gym. There’s also a “NO CURLS IN THE SQUAT RACK! NO CURLS AT THE BENCH!” component. And depending on my mood, “NO! I’M NOT FAT BECAUSE I LIFT HEAVY! I LIFT HEAVY BECAUSE I’M FAT!”

And if you get me…