It's not like I'm crazy about Uglys.

@brendahamLincoln: Oh, no! Toodie is super rare! I bet one of the ubernerds stole him and his holding him for cookie ransom!

While "fuck" is the go-to in my private life, I've won client loyalty with a well-timed "Duuuuuuude."

I will admit that I could have been one of those "off to college at 12" types, except that my parents decided that I needed a "normal" childhood, and only let me enroll at sixteen. Everyone (and that would include me) thought I'd go off to be a great neurosurgeon by 25. That didn't happen. Instead, I had a massive…

Oh, look! It's the zany life script I had written out for my fifties, only with Meryl, who's way more awesome than I'll ever be. Excellent. I'm lining up for the midnight showing.

Well, when he was in town to shoot a movie, Gerard did hit on the dumbest of my coworkers, so, y'know, at least he's honest.

@MizJenkins: I'm anglo in a minority community. See also, "dance, white people can't."

I know that people look at me with pity because I tied the knot at twenty-two. I also know that people pity me because:

@SarahMC: I'm doing this!: Oh, you mean that joyful time where one has to calibrate her wardrobe to the frumpy end of the spectrum of practical, low-heeled shoes, slightly shlubby blazers and unflattering, too-long skirts (or pants) just to cut down on (but not eliminate) the awful, unfunny, "look! booth babes!" jokes?

Dear Congress:

Sometimes, when I watch Star Trek or read a book with a united-Earth concept, I think about how impossible it is that such a dream will come to fruition. We are living in twenty-first century, where I can beam my thoughts across the internet — and women like this Saudi princess can be murdered via a crowd casting…

I nearly single-handedly derailed the last show on their last tour. I slammed face-first into Adam Clayton's chest at a hotel in Hawaii and knocked him to the ground pretty hard. Helped him up and he apologized to me(!) for being clumsy. Wasn't until he opened his mouth that I recognized him, and then I was a mumbling…

"Andrew, I watch you at these debates with no notes, no papers, and yet when asked questions, you spout off facts, figures, and policies, and I'm amazed. But then I look out into the audience and I ask myself, Does any of this really matter?"

To Henry Tudor, the father of the greatest king of England.

Feminist.

I will cop to using a mosquito mp3 on the last batch of awful neighbors. It worked on the small, nasty boys* and their barely-out-of-adolescence parents. Cut down on the parties something fierce and restored peace to the neighborhood, all without me having to scream "GET OFF MY LAWN!" once.

@IBleedGlitter: Nothing. It's outside of a range of hearing for most adults. The only thing a hearing aid does is amplify noise.

The local A&F was shuttered — to be turned into a Hollister. I can't tell if it was an upgrade or a downgrade. All I know is that it smells like Axe.

@JulyMama: They are. I got my copy there. I had to see what was so controversial, plus, y'know, quilts.

Also, thanks but no thanks, Mr. President. I bought a nice Mazda 3 last year. It's solid, it handles like a dream (unlike its American counterpart and chassis twin the Ford Focus), and it was built in Hiroshima, so it's possibly mildly radioactive (I can't find my geiger counter. Seriously.), and did I mention the gas…