@pferde_schwanz: That was H&R Block.

@Bella_vina: My government took 46% of my salary last year and all I got was this stupid war.

Don't drive with the pedal down, make sure your tires are properly inflated (check them with every fill up, ladies), drive in the higher gears, don't race the idiots in the souped-up Civics, coast down hills and plan your braking.

I puked once with the last pregnancy fling. It is the only time I was happily throwing up. And that was the pregnancy that got so far as to make me think I could it into the second trimester.

@Le Kangourou de Kataroo bites her thumb in your general dir...: Those gawdawful Colorado "Choose Life" plates? Ick. One of my former interns thought it meant she liked animals and was a vegetarian and stuff.

To sum up the words of my uncle, the (former) big pharma exec: "If we made 'em better, we'd be out of business."

Detail porn! Detail porn!

@joshman: DC in the cape and the storm troopers were both Red Bull, and I think last year, Mclaren PR shoved Kimi into an actual ice sculpture of his car before giving him the diamond encrusted wheel.

@rosasparks: Hey, I'm glad everything was hearts and butterflies for you in the flyover, and I'm sorry that the stereotypical "enlightened" part of the country hasn't be all marshmallows and rainbows. My experiences — three damn days, two of which included incidents where I thought I was going to die for being…

Hi Russell, I live in a red state and I'd like to address some of your comments.

@eleanorstrousers: I'm with you.

I remember getting come-ons for wedding loans eight years ago. Someone — CapitalOne, maybe? — was offering $20,000 with a 17% APR. That would be a no.

@SinisterRouge: Nooooooo! But I heart you so much!

I found my journal from the summer between my junior and senior years of high school and I was horrified to see that my 17 year-old self was subsisting on 400 meticulously-detailed calories a day. And I had pages of ranting that I would never be perfect or loved because, gawdalmighty, I'd sucumbed to the siren song of…

@BlondeGrlz: My first reaction was "seriously?" Even my mother, who is completely disconnected from modern pop culture, knows that that "nice singer with the English pronunciation of 'Maria' got married to a boy not much younger than you, Beep."

Awww, Mariah and Nick are learning the key secret to a lasting marriage — daily conversations about pooh!

I'd like to think that Richardson (and his beard, however un-Hayes like it is — it's still a magnificent chin ferret, Bill!) swapped his vote to Obama to make up for the fact that I A) cried when he dropped out and B) had my provisional ballot thrown out during our primary.

Lisa Frank bodyless pointe shoes dancing on a keyboard dominated my sixth grade locker.

@Busted Weave: I apologize for any of my crap that has been pushed on you in the past. My agent's delusional in her belief that I'm "talented."

One of my friends is making her first trip home to her boondock state as a woman this weekend, and this outrage out of Pennsylvania is making me nervous for her trek into an even-more unenlightened part of the country.