I will happily stop talking smack about models if we could just talk about curly fries for the rest of the day.

Wellllllllllp, I'm gonna die.

I need to be drunky drunkpants to even get into the bullying and girl-on-girl crime at my last job. It was so bad that when I had my (glowing) annual evaluation at my new job, I started crying, because I was waiting for the anvil to fall, which freaked out my supervisor, because she thought I was unhappy with her.

I think this is just Dr. Laura's on-going need to be the prettiest pretty princess in the lunchroom.

I hold you in the highest regards, you fucking dykes.

@LoveNoelG: I used to think the word-on-the-butt shorts went out with the first Clinton administration — and then Juicy came along to prove me wrong.

@tellmeagain: I totally want to name a daughter Catherine Jane and call her Katie Jane.

The husband wants to name any future daughter we might have after his dead pet ferret. I have issues.

@BAngieB (Ya'll? I'm On Notice): There is something seriously satisfying about knowing that NPH was my very first main gay. I don't care that I was four at the time, I thought he hung the moon.

@richcreamerybutter: Anglos raised in the chile haven of New Mexico had better get a pass, because dude, neither one of us can function without coffee and green chile first thing in the morning. And that chile had better be damn hot, too.

I always feel like the Modern Love writers are waiting for trophies and ponies for surviving bad dates and snagging mates.

@TruculentandUnreliable: Target is always the answer.

Yo, Val? That's me on a good day. Just sock Victoria Principal in the mouth and get on with living.

@Le Kangourou de Kataroo: I make no promises.

We're finally getting an Urban Outfitters here, or so the rumor goes. I do want to take some of my co-workers aside and explain that, once you graduate from college and are pulling down a mid-five figure salary, you are too old to be wearing anything from there.

I know that I will have crossed into doddering middle aged lady land when I start forwarding inspirational messages about babies and Jesus (complete with hokey drawings and flashing text).

I can never understand how the all-powerful creator of the universe can be so small as to not anticipate abortions and can't, y'know, make provisions for them. Can't wrap my head around it.

Could we throw in the middle school boys who just invaded my backyard in for execution as well? They were throwing rocks at my window (and I assume, my cat, who was in that window until the first piece of gravel pinged off it) from their perch on the brick wall. It was all fun and games until one of them fell into my…

@AbbyNormal: Allergic to shellfish. But a hefer heist? I'm down for that.

@AbbyNormal: I work across the street from the regional office of the Girl Scouts. They have three semi trucks full o' cookies parked within my line of sight. Oh. Em. Gee.