I also think that the fact that we still can't even get a fat princess with a face that isn't the exact same face as the princess before her leads me to believe that this will never happen. Unless their version of "special needs" princess is to put another version of the exact same animated face in a wheelchair and…

I wasn't aware we needed to worry about our "image." Should we perhaps hire a crisis PR firm?

Shut up that IS fun. When I was 10 I used to tell people that Gandhi was my grandfather's brother. He's not. But I thought it was fun.

Hi! Ex Waffle House waitress here, a quarter is a quarter pound burger. No, it would not apply to your order.

My favorite zippy comeback line is one I got from my boss. She was working the till, and chatting with an old lady who comes in to buy vegetables sometimes. Boss says something innocuous, like, "Oh, do you enjoy cooking?" And the old lady says, "Sweetie, when we got married I told my husband to pick one room for me to…

In the olden days of High Schools past, I was a meat clerk at a grocery store. We had a very nice, mid-40's woman that worked there, and she had an old guy that would call and pretend to be her husband. We usually just put him on hold and let him wear himself out, but one VERY busy Saturday, I elected to tell…

My moment of food (somewhat related) absurdity:

What have poxes and bedbugs done to deserve this?

I always get revenge on people that play pranks on me, too. Well played, dog.

At least it didn't scare the shit out of him.

Maybe this will start a national conversation about gun control.

Shut your fuckin' face!! I backpacked that trail with a couple of friends a few years ago and and found pictures of me and my tent-mate sleeping on my phone. I asked the others if they took it, but everyone said it wasn't them. It happened again a few nights later. No one admitted it, but I wasn't surprised because I…

Straight out bragging here. I buy boxes of full size candy at Costco and give them all out. I live on a corner in a really nice house and light up the yard with inflatable ghosts and spiders and pumpkins so everyone knows there is candy here. Lots of kids get driven to the neighborhood (we see the cars) and I have a…

That expression is applicable 90% of the time. But if you're living in a zebra park, sometimes you suspect zebras.

He was a young doctor with a big heart in the big city. She was a visiting disease causing bleeding in his gastrointestinal tract. Together, this summer, they may just find that the best symptom is love.

When there was a suspected case in Australia, in a nurse who had been in treating Ebola patients in West Africa, it was reported that standard protocol for staff returning for such a situation is to isolate yourself for three weeks - not outright quarantine, but also not out on public transport and bowling. This guy's…

I've said this before: if ebola becomes a serious danger, it will not be because it's unstoppable and we are completelt incapable of dealing with this, but because there are too many fucking morons out there doing what they damn please: riding planes, trying on wedding dresses, going on cruiseships, ignoring high…

"He reportedly began to feel "sluggish" on Tuesday of this week"

Doctors without Borders are a bunch of saints. Higher quality saints than Mother Teresa, for that matter. Hope he makes it through alright.