I remember seeing something out of the corner of my eye right before it hit the car, but the sound of the impact and the noise of the seagull whipping its head back and forth while screaming as it died are sounds i’ll never forget.

This one and the episode where they eat the dog are my favorite episodes.

Pretty good, I feel like the adrenaline rush I got from ripping a bird out of my windshield got me pumped up for the date.

THIS SAME THING HAPPENED TO ME. On my way to a blind date. Except the bird got caught in my windshield, I had to pull over because the whole entire windshield was cracked and I couldn’t see out of it (plus the seagull was SCREAMING). I tried to pull it out with my hands and tore its body in half, there was blood…

My parents were probably the 8th or 9th ones I told when I eloped (IG was first!), and they’ll probably be the 8th or 9th people I tell when I get divorced.

SunriseGuidedVisual is 100% correct, provolone is a bullshit and tasteless cheese. NY sharp cheddar is the cheese of the USA.

Why are they jogging in polo shirts and v-neck sweaters? So awkward.

One time me and my roommate (she’s a little bigger than me, but we are both not super skinny generic thin people by far) were pretty stoned and went to CVS to get snacks so we could get more stoned and watch Adventure Time in the privacy of our apartment. I had just went through a breakup and was wearing the same…

Huzzah!

This is the ultimate way to eat a Reese’s.

She is the best live. Also, she is fucking hilarious.

I worked a job for 3 years where I didn’t get a lunch break because I was the only person working the entire place. I could eat on the job, but it was a shitty coffee shop where all there was to eat were bagels and gross pastries.

and greasy.

OSCAR??? What is this from?!?!

When I lived in New York I had a mental breakdown on a N train and pretty much screamed at a Dr. Zizmor ad till my lungs gave out and I collapsed into a sobbing wreck. Those were dark times. I had a dream a few days ago that I was back in New York and laughing that those Dr. Zizmor ads are still there. I don’t know…

I’m attempting the Keto diet *as I eat a loaf of bread*

I used to work in the artisanal fancy-schmancy bean to bar bacon and spices and peppers and fancy brazil nuts blah blah blah chocolate industry for almost 10 years and the whole industry is a giant pile of bullshit. If I could get back those years of my life, I would. I like Reese’s cups.

unf. man. he was my first celebrity crush.

I am grumpy, too. When I was in high school no one even had cell phones, and now this new generation of 18/19 year olds have their phones attached to their bodies at all time so there’s a lot of ring tones going off in most of my classes and I feel like I want to whap them with a cane.