Wear pale gloss on your lips and say you're rocking the 90s!

"What if someone gives you a generous hug and half your mouth comes off on their shirt—not your lipstick—your mouth?"

This is basically my friend's cat. She is the sweetest, loudest, cuddliest, most hyperactive creature I've ever met in my life. I took care of her one holiday, and it took about 2 minutes for my (very) old man cat to be like "Child. Shut up. Calm down. Get out of my house." He's usually so friendly!

Doc Oz is a quack? I'm shocked!

No one sells bullshit quack medicine like Gaston!

Props for the Mighty Ducks.

My friend does, too. It's so frustrating.

Ugh, these stupid extracts. One of my dear friends who was a biology major and really should know better bought into ALL his garbage. She spent a fuckton of money on this green coffee extract shit, along with acaia berry extract. I hope she can get some of her money back now. Nothing I said could convince her that…

My dad taught me when I was very young that the only people who ask that question are people who are used to having others not trust them. If they're used to not being trusted, it's probably because they're untrustworthy. Long story short, if someone (like street-rat Aladdin, who probably prompted this lesson) asks…

#ByePhylicia (sigh)

I know this is kind of the exact wrong message to take from this, but I want all of these apps now. Oh, the things they could do with my face! My cat's face! Everyone's face! Drag queens everywhere!

Oh my goodness, that dog.

That looks nauseating.

"Allegedly"

I would watch that movie. It would star Harry Dean Stanton and therefore be awesome.

Her parents, unfortunately.

My cat does the same thing to me every day. I am my home's dog.

It's such a shame that no one goes to see movies that star a female lead. This is exactly why we'll never get a Wonder Woman or Black Widow movie.

That chair looks so comfy. I want it.

I am sorry you had to sit behind us. :(