Someone should do a YouTube video of how to cry convincingly.

“The only reason I’m wealthy and relevant at all is because of my online personality. My earlier online personality which was not monetized is not a reflection of my current online personality which definitely is. And that’s why I’m apologizing.”

I’m surprised Pewdiepie didn’t try that.

“Please don’t stop giving me money.”

Forged in darkness from wheat harvested in Hell’s half-acre, baked by Beelzebub, slathered with mayonnaise from the evil eggs of a powerful dark chicken, beaten into sauce by the hands of a one-eyed madman.

I feel sympathy for someone who commits suicide...but not if they take anyone else with them. 

That’s not far.

There’s that and his all-fried-meat diet keeping him on the toilet for hours at a time.

That’s how I felt when I learned Alex Jones is about 6 months younger than me. He’s 44.

She’s 36.

The toilets in my home voted to ban Papa John’s.

I’ve already seen the “collusion isn’t a crime” argument make a comeback on Twitter.

Christo still has a higher body count.

“And, in fact, when I decided to just [fire Comey], I said to myself, I said: ‘You know, this Russia thing with Trump and Russia is a made up story, it’s an excuse by the Democrats for having lost an election that they should’ve won.’” - Donald J. Trump, Super Genius

THIS.

Neat.

Dane Cook is just thrilled that literally anyone is talking about Dane Cook.

The local politicians who run Washington, D.C