Back when we were young drug mules a gram of cocaine cost a quarter and you smuggled it inside your rectum and you LIKED IT.

Also rumored to be into coke!

This! So much. Our children all rise on the wings of educators and they deserve to be paid and valued as such.

Should any of the striking teachers see this, please know how much I support what you are doing. Thank you for standing up, even though it is terribly difficult to do so. Demand what you’re worth (well, we all know you’re all worth a hell of a lot more than what you’re fighting for.) Don’t give up!

What she didn’t say out of politeness is “you must really love sex!” ;)

I got asked when the baby was finally coming. While pushing said baby in the stroller.

I was recently telling the following story to someone and had a big (sad) aha! moment.

Every town is working with some of them, same with the Brady Campaign. I’m going to volunteer for both, as I think this can get good momentum, but only if a lot of us push hard.

I have it on very good authority that her kids are absolute fucking nightmares. So in addition to being a shit person, she’s also a shit mom.

Let’s get one thing straight: I don’t buy my Doritos to fit in my purse, I buy my purses to fit my Doritos.

I think she’s a whore, but only because she so obviously loves sex. I mean, three children! We get it! You’re a total horndog!

I have 188 followers on Instagram and I am going to be an absolute monster to the next flight attendant I meet.

Poor Casey. I wonder if he’ll be okay...

I don’t want to get into the business of questioning accusers’ stories (as has been happening since time immemorial).

Murder of the Pazzis by the Medicis?

Oh, dear me, no. That throws off my whole calculus!

Will it be like my feet are wrapped in hugs and gentle assurances from a new and tender lover?

I daren’t say where my underwear came from.

You’re telling me you wouldn’t have even one gold toilet?