Me! I’m accepting “campaign contributions” now.

In all of our schools it is illegal to have guns on campus, so again and again these guys go and shoot up these fucking schools because they know there are no guns there.

I’m not a survivor of rape of sexual assault, so I can’t comment on how it would feel to see this kind of portrayal of both on TV as entertainment. I will say that this didn’t strike me as torture porn, at least, not like Hostel or the like, and I thought it was as thoughtfully done as it might be on the part of the…

Anytime anyone in any movie is shown making plans, even just a “See you Wednesday!”, something is going to happen.

I like the idea of the NPS adding some “additional functionality” to the Cietnam Memorial. I’m picturing some tasteful video screens affixed to the top showing looping footage of the war with “All Along the Watchtower” playing on repeat or perhaps just a few drinking fountains added to the front of the wall for…

Also? When ladies drive over bumps, their titties bounce.

I get why wax figures used to be popular. It’s cool that Madame Tussaud did wax death masks of Marie Antoinette and Louis. But a post-daguerreotype world, the necessity and novelty of them is gone.

Well, they nailed the uncanny part.

“Next on Britain’s Most Desperate, we starve our contestants for 36 hours and then make them fight over your leftover pub food! You won’t believe whose eyes get gouged!”

Behold.

... Then you were born at Car Henge?

It’s perfectly acceptable to say, “I dunno. I just don’t like her.” You don't have to provide evidence to support your feelings. You can just not like someone (especially a celebrity who has no idea you exist) and move on with your day.

My baby’s name will be Ariana Grande, but how will I tell the two Baby Ariana Grandes apart? What if I accidentally suckle a pop star in the wee hours of the morning?

Not that our foremothers didn’t try!

How could I forget the gold-standard non-apology? I’ll never work in fake PR again!

Allow me to craft their statement for them:

I presume they were born at 26 weeks, prematurely, rather than born 26 weeks premature.

My earwax, boogers, and farts are all organic.

Their headquarters is that lovely $8 million Abortionplex in Topeka I’ve been hearing about.

Any person crazy enough to date Dina Lohan is... crazy enough to date Dina Lohan.