Aaaauuuuuggghhhh! My eyes!

I’m struggling with calling J. Lo or Mariah divas, mostly because they both bore me. After watching Merry Clayton in 20 Feet from Stardom, I feel like she re-defined what it is to be a diva, regardless of how well known one is.

If literally nothing else, fire codes would prohibit that.

Him to me: I don’t mean to sound corny or anything, but you are so goddamn hot.

Why on earth would they think an ectopic pregnancy would make you less “abortion-minded”? A cursory Google search informs you that ectopic pregnancies are nonviable and extremely dangerous to the mother.

Calling Fashion Police “a little jewel” is a bridge too far. Joan Rivers was funny wherever she went. Someone just had the good sense to put her back on TV. But she would have been equally good at sports commentating, or as an animal psychic, or on her own cooking show. (Joan’s Booze and Storytime Hour, naturally.)

Here’s what happened to me: got pregnant with a baby I wanted. 6 week scan: clear. 12 week scan: clear. Nuchal translucency: clear. Tri-screen: clear. 18 week ultrasound: uh, there’s a problem. Thank god I had my 20 week scan two weeks early, as my state has a 20 week ban. I had a little time to decide what was my…

I, for one, am relieved that men are taking over making decisions for me and knowing what’s right for my body. It is exhausting trying to weigh options all the time! All I have to do now is be a beautiful, sexually-available-only-to-my-husband-but-still-accommodating-to-all-other-men-mother-of-12-white-kids, and their…

RIP, Chocolate Chip!

Apparently most third (and fourth, fifth...) nipples are found along the body’s milk lines.

My mother in law won a college scholarship for writing an essay on how to properly fold a fitted sheet. A home ex scholarship.

Teach them how to palm candy when they're young- so much harder to learn as an adult.

My husband is going to love the surprise I painted on his car! Thanks, Mrs. Brown!

Jesus. That’s terrifying enough on its own, but then second guessing yourself because your f a m i l y tells you you're overreacting...

Don't forget Doug Stanhope.

Exercise... Because men love to watch your ponytail swing!

I am pregnant and live in fear of waking up one dark morning without a body. Then I will have to take my helpless newborn with me on a quest (with no hands - how am I going to do that?!) to get my body back. Any tips anyone has on hunting down the body snatcher or luring the body into a trap would be appreciated.

I love him, but I can’t shake his performance in Martha Marcy May Marlene. He was stone-cold terrifying in that.

There was just a woman on popville who was stalked by a guy on a bike while she was on a run. He rode past her a couple of times, and made sure she knew he was looking at her. He then came up behind her (still on a bike) and tried to touch her, but she saw his shadow and ducked out of the way. She screamed at him and…

I cannot believe the entitlement. I am stunned.