Jesus. Fucking. Christ.

“You OWE me your attention for as long as I want it.”

The most important question to arise out of Bruce Jenner’s interview: How does Kris feel about all this?

So which kind are you? I think I'm a mix of School Girl and Home Girl, but I'd need a Buzz Feed quiz to know for sure.

I don’t want aggressive boners, though! They're not nearly as funny.

I know, I just have fewer opportunities these days.

Here is what I now know as a married lady: I saw too few buns and dongs before I got married. I didn’t know it then. I would have told you I’d seen enough, but the reality is, a dong in motion is a hilarious thing to behold, and furthermore, men have tiny little butts that are also hilarious to look at. So, to you…

Now, if a black child had done that, we’d know for sure that he was a criminal and a thug. Thankfully, it was just a white kid, so we’ll chalk it up to experimenting and pushing boundaries. This kid just needs a firm but loving hand and some extra Sunday School.

I was just wondering how Bruce Jenner’s transition is really about Kris Jenner. Thank god I can rest easy now.

We've all been trying to figure out how to say it for a long time, and this is what we came up with. Your pout is inadequate and no longer fits the standards of the internet.

Acceptable.

Clearly, Claire has never seen an external version done (a procedure to turn a breech baby from the outside). If she had, she’d know that palpating a little isn’t going to do anything. I had two doctors, one grabbing the head and one pushing the butt, heaving with their entire bodies to get my daughter to turn…

I support the ogling of strange celebrity navels.

I've asked the few representatives I know this very question. They've responded differently, but the crux of the issue is being a steward of the wellbeing of your constituents vs. being a direct representative of their will. Most come out somewhere in the middle - on issues like abortion, gay marriage, etc., they've…

Our America’s husband Mark Ruffalo thinks it’s bullshit that Marvel doesn’t sell more Black Widow merchandise.

They must not know any adult men. Ball sweat is real.

Marketing messages about how women are supposed to smell don't just permeate women, clearly.

You’re supposed to use it IN your vag. Nothing a vagina likes more than a good chemical bath!

“Not dainty” could also equate to having a stank ass, though I’ve met very few men who are terribly troubled by a woman’s natural scent when they have the opportunity to get closer to it.

Listening to that is what I imagine it would be like to be crushed to death by a thousand kittens sitting on your chest, slowly pressing the breath out of you.