Oh, goodness.

I briefly carried around $2k on my arm when I put my DSLR camera and an open bottle of Smirnoff Ice (why, no, I wasn't coming from a sorority mixer, why do you ask?) Here is some hard-won advice: twisting the cap back onto a glass bottle is not a secure way to stop it from destroying your expensive electronics. Maybe…

Actually, this is spot on, but only because I'm a wealthy collector of common gum wrappers. I will offer you $1,854.77 for your fine collection, but only if they're balled up together in a big wad.

I used to live with a once-a-year drag queen. For the month before the drag show, glitter would find its way into every possible place in that house. Even after the cleanup, you could find a piece stuck to your face months later, usually in the middle of an intense discussion with someone.

I'm due next week and I'm having a hard time imagining how my kid isn't going to emerge a giant with a full head of hair and mouthful of teeth and a mortgage. Apart from the fact that I've now been pregnant for my entire life, they really do get big at the end. Rolling over at night is now a painful exercise in organ…

I would absolutely have taken photos with the son I lost had his body been in any condition to be photographed. I know it seems strange to want a photo with a corpse, but when it's your child, it's your child. Especially when you know it's the only photo you'll ever have. It wouldn't have been something I hung on the…

A broken clock...

I love that guy! He was humanity's avatar that day.

No, no, he was steering the ship with his penis.

But it will be funny because my skin will be a color it's not usually! That's a killer joke.

I'd like to say that I would have died at 2 weeks old from pneumonia, but seeing as my mom would have already died from spinal meningitis at 5, I wouldn't have ever been born.

I do wonder about what each House and Senate member feels about the balance between being a representative of their constituents and a steward of their districts is. I guess conscience should factor in there, too, but maybe it doesn't for some.

YES.

I'm sorry you and your family are going through that. When people say things like she says it makes me think they've never had real hardship in their lives. Otherwise, wouldn't they have some perspective on the scale and scope of their current problems?

If my baby asthma (or my fear of life, I guess?) hadn't been treated by Western medicine at 2 weeks old I would not exist. I'm thankful my parents forewent the herbal poultices and prayer and drove me straight to the hospital.

Exactly. We have new diseases now because we live long enough to get them.

Well, in that case, I'd like to also advocate that all women of childbearing age send me $100 immediately, or your future baby will be born with a full set of teeth. And generalized depression.

I'm very happy that my sister and I were born via C-section. I have no complaints about how that went down.

But a waterproof bag!

Just steal a nibble when the baby's not looking. If the baby sees you, it means you don't love them enough and they will be sad.