I know the chances of you being Tiffany Haddish are zero*, but I read your comment in her voice because that sounds like something she’d say.

Ah you mean the DA Cy Vance who elected not to bring charges against him 3 years ago, despite having an audio recording of him apologizing to the victim.

Vance is a crooked motherfucker. We probably wouldn’t have the current moron in the White House if Vance hadn’t taken a bribe from the Trump Organization to drop felony fraud charges against Ivanka and Junior.

??? I was a nanny for a long time and I have always had long nails. You just...wash your hands and use a brush under your nails real quick? Also...if you’re doing it right you don’t necessarily get poop on your hands...?? That’s what wipes are for? Maybe she wears gloves?? Who cares??! Sorry for all the question marks…

Good...burn that institution to the ground. I say bury U.S. gymnastics altogether for a couple of years, clear the slate, start over from scratch. Maybe take a hiatus from the next summer olympics out of respect for the many, many ladies lives Nassar disrupted with the help of the USOC.

say it again

Women don’t owe you shit.

BREAKING NEWS: Old White Man, Well Known Misogynist, Is Sad That No One Cares About What He Thinks, Writes Another Play No One Asked For, Angrily Lectures Others On His Own Relevance

My new name will be Knives Stabbity.

Probably wonders why he’s single.

I thought it was a “W”

I think you mean a big “W.”

If you death wasn’t on the table it’s just a scavenger hunt. Those kids in The Goonies almost died a bunch of times.

By all sorts of people or just by certain men?

She reads John Stuart Mills

When you’re so unrelatable you can’t even figure out what’s relatable to regular people....

BISH PLS

Because I’m in the greys, and I know you “know” me, I’ll post this here:

My wedding day disaster was that by the end of the day I was married.