Lawns were one of the biggest reasons I bolted for the city as soon as I was old enough - wasteful, pointless and so much work. Now of course the suburbs have inevitably followed me here
(thanks a lot, white millenials and boomers!

Fuck you,
the Gen-Xers who were here first in the 90s and made you feel “safe”. I will…

Look out, Melania! I think Little Donnie is suddenly at attention and hungering for #4.

:: yes, I’m throwing up ::
:: yes, I’ll show myself out ::

Oh good, another old white dude (this one briefly found cultural relevance due to Beavis and Butt-head!) is going to tell me why his opinion matters more.

There are not enough bye-felicia GIFs.

Is he not aware that BMW is the official vehicle of the Suburban Aspirational Douche, aka “his voters”?

It’s not exactly scientific, but in my experience women have more sex outside of the marriage in poly because what’s waiting for them on the outside is...a lot of available guys. Men have to select from a pool of generally marriage-minded female potential partners so there’s an imbalance created by the presumed desire…

I always thought of lacrosse as “give the football team something to do in spring”. Seeing this I’m still shocked why my parents can’t understand why I don’t even want to visit them on Long Island anymore.

My point exactly.

“Screwing yourself over because we hate these people and everything they stand for” is the conservative voting ethos. It’s frustratingly been shown over and over again that they’ll gladly vote against their own self-interest if it means some of “their” “hard-earned” gains going to “those people”.

....take your star and go.

I’d like to add another point: investors should stop shoveling large sums of money at douche-tinged white guys under 30. Please, just stop.

As a onetime resident of each of these locales, I can respond with a hearty “meh”. There are better and worse places to spend your young-millenial-post-student-loans-not-crushed-by-kids-and-family-no-shut-up-I’m-not-bitter-you’re-bitter money.

Am I the only one who always reads it as “Jim DeMenthe”?

Just me?

Oh.

::drinks alone in corner::

You also forget the “I’m just gonna live out my Friends/SATC/Girls/etc. urban sitcom fantasy about drinking too much wine and loving my dog and never settling down” crowd.

I see you’ve been to Pennsylvania! Oh wait.

Oh, the “Staten Island Principle”!

Quick cocktail-napkin plan:

familiar, incoherent “Do this or I’ll shoot my own dick off” bluster 

It’s just called “youth”. Truth be told, I’m far more scared of “aggressive” tones of voice and behavior from paunchy, middle-aged white men.

I don’t watch hockey or ESPN, so what the...? Is he Karl Lagerfeld’s aging enforcer or something?

9. a printer that continually prints your Twitter feed