Admittedly I’ll probably have multiple entries here, so let’s pick an early one to start with:

Starting at age 5, my dad would always put me on his lap and explain how every machine or interface worked, including the car (it was before the 80s, when people started becoming TERRIFIED of EVERYTHING for the sake of the…

Old man rant incoming!

It’s been my theory/wish for a while now that we should stop calling cops “law enforcement officers” - they hold no office, they are not appointed or elected to the public trust. They’re civic employees like any other, which means we should refer to them as law enforcement professionals - and the public demands profess…

Take your star, you magnificent bastard.

As a Giants fan I’m going to put the blinders on and forget this ever happened, and deflect the scrutiny by saying Trey Songz is the worst performer name I’ve ever heard. He could be the next coming of MJ and I’d still tell him to GTFO with that ridiculous mess.

Such a pity the Reindeer Rohirrim weren’t able to get there in time.

Victoria’s Secret sells weightlifting shoes? What a time to be ali — oh, wait.

I live in a tony gentrified-as-fuck neighborhood (not Brooklyn, but its new overflow lot). Around here we judge people by the size of their thighs into either yoga or Crossfit categories. This distinction is meaningless as we find both groups equally insufferable, it’s just that the easy visual distinction is there.

And the rise of these horrible fuckwits has killed some of my favorite movies for me. Now instead of thinking “wow, what a horrible-yet-fascinating time in history”, I have to lose sleep at night thinking some mouth-breathing Midwestern piece of less-than-shit thinks my children are subhuman.

TL;DR, everyone can go…

The stuff on Hip-Hop & R&B Christmas Gold is to its inspirations and source material what a mall Santa is to actual Santa, what taping a branch on your dog’s head is to owning a pet reindeer.

My counter to “when they go low, we go high” is a great line from That 70s Show (of all places): “where Zen ends, ass-kicking begins.”

PROTECT THE SHIELD (for our Jebus-loving, everything-fearing customers so they don’t get the vapors at such displays).

Is the NFL suddenly the new NASCAR? Was it always this and I just missed it? I feel dirty for watching. The bad kind of dirty.

Nope, real name. Pronounced “Toovuh-loo” if I recall. I love her, she’s like the European correction of Ke$ha (minus the terrible Dr Luke).

Uh, Fresh Market is owned by ShopRite.

Fresh Market’s just a gussied-up ShopRite. I’m no fan of Whole Foods, and I constantly lament that Wegmans’, the best market ever created, still languishes in the exurbs. Fuck you, exurbs.

I just kinda figure the most prolific ones would have to get creative with alternative/pseudo-ethnic pronunciations (meet our son Jesus - it’s pronounced hay-soos!) or just going straight to the silent J (“Jharold, come in for dinner!”). Either way, TL;DR our country is jdoomed.

Naming all your kids “J” names means they’re closer to Jesus!

I’m unfortunately not kidding; that’s actually what they think.

Y Raul Allegre tambien!

Oh, I know I’m facetiously showing my Northeastern liberal snootiness! I’m sure there are some lovely cultural aesthetics (Jerruh Jones puts some ART in that there stadi — crap, I’m doing it again). All I’d ever seen on several trips to Dallas was strip malls as far as the eye could see. You might want to pivot your…

I’m just gonna go ahead and make the obvious joke and assume he’s there because the saddle and bucking bronco therapeutically repeatedly smashes your cojones into submission.