Gonna be a rough Monday for Dad back at his law firm

She’s probably thinking “Look! We’re still together and our children are ok so I’m not all that bad!”

Maybe she uses him as a youth potion.

People who don’t get how photobooths work (gif-creating or otherwise) are my absolute favorite. We got a CD of all the photos from our wedding photobooth, and while many of our friends were hilarious and creative, the sets of shots of individual, unaccompanied elderly relatives staring blankly and unmovingly into the…

Is baby Eastwood trying to wink? Because that’s not how it works. Blink ONE eye and it’s a wink, blink both eyes and you look like a cow.

I work at a university, and two years ago I sat on an admissions committee. Our prospective students (this is a graduate program) are asked to submit short videos that tell us a little bit about themselves and why they want to come to our program.

Just today a contractor called to talk about insurance. He told me I sounded like I could be his daughter. Then he said “Just pretend I’m your daddy.”

“I came here for easter service six years ago. it’s a big church with a past deeply rooted in [Redacted city] history. the sermon irritated me simply b/c it was religious and asked me to take a lot on faith (so i guess it was my problem with religion, not this church in particular)“

Jerry O'Connell has been married for like 8 years. Juliana Rancic is digging deep to get people to like her racist ass.

I got food poisoning one night and puked and shat all damn night. In the morning, I realized I felt a UTI coming on. I’d kept down some sprite at this point, so I figured it was OK to go ahead and take AZO numbing pills, which are pretty tough on the stomach.

I wish it were banana flavored. It tasted more like drain cleaner, though. I had a lot of ear infections as a kid and I remember taking a lot of amoxicillin which tasted amazing, but whatever this stuff was tasted disgusting.

Oh, yeah, the shit that tastes like rotten bananas. I’ve only had it once, and it was now 22 years ago, but I remember it VERY clearly.

FWIW, very few people can say they’ve barfed on a protected species.

That is the best response to being barfed on. May we all laugh in this situation! Being drunk probably helps.

A few years ago I was working as an environment reporter at a small newspaper on the Gulf Coast when some of my buddies from the Department of Wildlife and Fisheries invited me along to cover the release of a rehabilitated sea turtle. I was like, BEST ASSIGNMENT EVER.

Me and the ex hit this awesome little place in Mission Beach, CA called the Wavehouse a few years ago. We were apparently super excited to get there because we didn’t eat before we left the house. We got to the place around 11am and we were starving. We hit the bar and ordered food and, of course, drinks. Some white…

THIS IS HAPPENING