“It just wasn’t a good fit”: code for "She was kinda a bitch."

Way to bury the lede Tom Ley, a permanently impaired Carrot Top doing the coin flip. This video is D List celebrity gold!

"If I can work with pinkeye, you can handle the sniffles."

Men tend to win more arguments...

"Quality Time" parenting mixed with the evangelical Christian features is the worst ever.

My dad died when I was nine. For a chunk of my childhood he had a job with a crappy commute. He got home right before my brother and I went to bed. So he did the bedtime routine. Long after I forgot what his conversational voice sounded like I could remember the voices he did when he read us bedtime stories. I also…

I knew arguing with my parents was pointless so I lied and snuck around behind their backs instead.

And cute ^.^

Thank you. That was the answer I was hoping for. Pretzel bites are go. The kid will like rolling the snake and cutting it into pieces. I will do the boiling and baking bit.

Just the request has always been enough to shut a casual encounter down for me. On the spot. "C'mon, dude, do I look like I have AIDS? Bareback is so much better!"

sometimes hair and sneakers just have to be dealt with RIGHT NOW

excuses i've heard for trying to get away with not paying for a lap dance:

Nah. You may not have deserved the extension, but you deserved the grade.

A gf of mine in college had an insufferable crush on one of our artsy clique, a guy from England, with the accent to match, who was also a popular local DJ. He successfully avoided her for a while, but one day she finally cornered him and asked him if he'd like to go out for a coffee. His excuse to get out of it -

To be fair, people panic when confronted with the sight of someone eating candy corn. It's like walking in on someone eating live worms. You're not thinking right, you're just panicking and trying not to hurl. ;)

I AM THE PIE is a really great thing to yell.

I was a manager in a large call center and the best call in I ever received was "I can't come to work today because I don't have a comb."

Rest assured, the Ukrainian billionaire who bought Johnson's apartment also does not plan to live there.