I had a friend who died at 32 from....something? She was fine on Tuesday and just didn’t show up to work on Wednesday. Did she die of a drug overdose? She was a recovering addict. Did she commit suicide? She was going through a painful divorce. Did she fall and break her head open? Who knows! She died in her parents’…

YOU JUST REALLY LIKE GOATS MILK OKAY!?

Good for them.

Oh yeah, I’m definitely pro-baby-not-dying.

Local cat is all “I brought the kid dead mice, why is nobody giving me accolades for trying to feed him solids? He’s two! He can handle it!”

The wolf has a look on her face as if to say “gawd Virgil, you tell the WEIRDEST fucking stories man!”

How I feel when everyone seems to be getting laid but me:

Bev Johnson wasn’t so bad either....

I can think of easier money hustles than accusing someone of rape.

Delilah can’t wear anything that isn’t hand woven. Her skin is intolerant to all machine woven patterns.

As a member of the bepenised class, let me tell everyone that you can tell me that I don’t have to respond, but I will anyway because I am anal about text message responses.

On a second date about ten years ago, I said to the guy sitting across from me, “So, I like you, you’re totally awesome. But I’m not looking just for a fun time, I’m looking for a long term relationship. I mean, I’m dating other people and I’m not saying we have to be serious, but generally speaking I’m ready to…

Oh I could have guys lined up around the block...if I had no standards. What men don’t seem to realize is that *they could too* if they weren’t going after girls who are 8s while being 3s themselves.

It got weirder. I talked with her for a bit because I was curious. She was Indian and here on a visa. Her whole plan for “us” was that we move back to India, have a few kids, and I can be a stay at home dad while she worked as an engineer. Yeah, lady. I want to leave my country just so I can be a stay at home dad and…

Ran an ad in the paper, got hundreds of responses because my ad was the Ad of the Week and read on the radio twice a day for a week. Went out with Caller #2. First date lasted 4 days; been together over 23 years (made it legal over 8 years ago).

As a guy, I’ve admittedly done this once before because I felt the woman was extremely attractive and I was out of my league. I believe people do this when they’re feeling super insecure and they’re looking for reassurance.

As a man, if you text me anything emotional and then follow it up with “you dont have to respond” im going to take that as manipulation to get me to respond, because of course you want a response.....thats the point of communication. I probably will now not respond just to piss you off, regardless of what i think.…

Like, who the fuck is sending out these text messages?

You’re 20. Seems like a normal response. Talk to me again when you’re 35 and single.

As a woman I do have to ask who the hell tells someone they like them and then says they don’t need to respond?! Girl, Maya (Mara?) that’s nuts.