In sixth grade I had my umbrella confiscated on the bus. My bully of three years leaned over and touched my face, and I whacked her on the head hard enough to bend it. The bus driver took my umbrella, and said because she had seen the bully harass me all school year, she wouldn’t report me. So win?

—at which point I, naturally, leapt to his seat and proceeded to repeatedly inform him that “It’s. Not. An. Umbrella. It’s. a. Parasol. It. Completes. My. Ensemble.” with each word punctuated by a swift pound from said parasol—

They should sell little tiny sugary babies made from caramel and cocoa and call them Princess Charcolates.

I’m sure Charlotte is going to be completely adorable, but right now my favorite baby princesses are in Sweden.

Fogle appeared on a very premature episode of VH1’s I Love the New Millennium

Goddamit Kim, now Jesus has to pick up the slack since there’s one less person in the office. He’s definitely not going to be able to slide out early the Friday before a 3 day weekend.

Also, Eric Bruntlett had an unassisted that ended a game

And the problem is?

Only dinks say ‘in hospital’ in Canada; as for the college/university thing, it’s an accreditation thing in Canada, although there is overlap. Colleges offer only bachelor level degrees as well as other quicker programs, and tend to be career focused; Universities generally only offer degrees. Those are at Bachelor,…

on a lighter note baby I’m really proud of your typing

creamed bacon risotto

The worst thing my kids do is constantly unintentionally (?) hit me in the balls. They are 4 and 6 now and have probably hit/kicked my testicles a combined 326,000 times. Once I literally dropped my daughter in an In-N-Out parking lot because she began kicking as hard as she could when I picked her up and hit me so…

Honestly, do you have any idea how much this is going to cost me?

Was Don the Chief of a Canadian First Nations band ?

Is it weird that I mentally cast Don as Graham Greene?

The guy is okay, but the woman is awful from the second she sits down. Nothing is good enough for her, she’s not ready to order when she says she’s ready, she won’t make eye contact—the sort of completely entitled person who thinks servers are lower than dog shit. It takes her a lifetime to make up her mind on…

I just find it funny that onlookers who are, in theory, okay with the start of the fight, all of a sudden arbitrarily decide that it’s time to stop. I’m all for more and more guys who look like these glad bags full of mashed potatoes wailing away on each other, and am for even more inane commentary that rivals “oh…

“This used to be my playground where my dad got his ass kicked.”

Blood Jort

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