Scottish stuff, ranked:

Filed to: BREAST INTENTIONS

OMG THANK GOD IT'S NOT JUST ME. Like, I am cute. Very very cute. Blonde hair, blue eyes. But I'm Amy Schumer, not Carrie Underwood, ya dig?

I know! Next time. I forgot that his areas of expertise are both amminals and rosebudding.

JEZEBEL IS OTTERIST

I fucking love this. This comment section is going to be filled with our complaints. <3 u Jez

Also, extry extry, I'm a big-time molly dealer.

A++ thinks

Ummmm no one responded to my tip to EGR about the baby seal who got lost in Canada somewhere and had a Royal Canadian Mounted Police escort back to sea.

I also love that they have zero fear of that shit coming back to haunt them. Meanwhile, I live in fear that a particularly lousy ex will someday circulate pics of me in my bra in an attempt to fuck with my career. NOT NUDE. NOT MY HOO-HA. JUST IN A BRA.

omg THIS. he would rather spend $40 he doesn't have on unhealthy food to be delivered to him than to walk five fucking minutes to Loblaws and buy some actual groceries.

There's a lot of things about him that are great, and unfortunately for me I am still in love with him to a pretty substantial extent. He's extremely witty and well-read, kind, has a killer Irish accent and the sex is better than Ansel Elgort can even fathom is possible. BUT. Man-child. Doesn't understand…

I've noticed that guys have started using the "Moments" feature to upload dick pics. Vom.

Ex-alconlad is THIRTY. FUCKING. ONE. He has bad credit, lives in kind of a garbage dump with a creepy roommate, plays video games, likes EDM, thinks Dominos pizza is its own food group, I ENDED THINGS, and still, I somehow ended up waking up on V-Day morning in his bed?

I'm on it, I do want to die.

JFC. What a twat.

I'm really glad I did not lose my virginity at 14. I'm even more grateful I didn't lose it to a 14-year-old boy. Shit could have ruined me for life.

BARRRRFFFFFF OH MY GOD

"The only thing that made me feel better was doing it again."

She is awesome, and so fucking cool and smart. Also I aspire to give beejes as good as she does, so, yeah.