Seriously, like does she drink the blood of infants or something? Whatever work she's having done (because come on, she HAS to be getting work done), it's flawless and I am not mad.

Go fuck yourself.

OMG no

Well?!?!? WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE VEGETABLE, DIOSABELLA?

Wowwwwww he pulled that "she needs to ask for forgiveness" bullshit on her husband?!

I made it through 8 seconds. With it on mute.

So ... Pawnee Today isn't just something they made up for Parks & Rec.

I just ordered chicken and waffles to be delivered to my desk.

Fuck off Trevor

I tried to change my name to alconleigh, nightmare phone girl, but kinja says it's too long :'(

this is everything

omg this is the best laugh i've had in days.

she played with Zack's penis, and touched it a little.

itz okay

It kills me, because I want him to be happy. He deserves it. I want to be the person to make him happy, but he won't let me.

I'm so glad my breakup-in-progress only involves me leaving tearful voicemails and him being unable to express his feelings. Neither of us could afford a private investigator anyway. Also, we don't know anyone named Carly.

I'm 27, he's 31. I feel like I'm going to die alone, because EVERYONE I KNOW IS GETTING MARRIED OR ENGAGED.

I'm not married to him, thank God. It'll kill me to see him with someone else (even though I'm 100% sure I will have sex with someone else within a week, because that is What Alconleigh Does When She's Hurt), but his inability to commit the silver lining in this all. He told me ages ago that he's spent him whole…

THANK YOU, HUG RECEIVED

You guys are all the best. Seriously. I haven't told many of my friends yet because it's going to cause so much drama and gossip so I'm glad I have a place to just let some of it out.