My parents got married on my dad’s birthday, and they’re still together after 33 years, but I’ve never understood it. My dad has two ex wives! TWO!

I won’t lie, I was considering it. But I’m also fairly certain if I hear Sarah Palin’s voice in reality, my head will explode.

Y’all, I got a robocall last night from “Doctor” Seb Gorka. Apparently he and Sarah Palin are coming to my town tomorrow to campaign for “Judge” Roy Moore. First of all, why are all of these people claiming fake honorifics they don’t have? Secondly, how the hell did I end up on that list? I don’t even have a local…

Riverdale is fantastically over the top and I love it and I hope it only gets more absurd. I even got my best friend into it, and we’re in our 30s.

Dabs feel like doing hard drugs. I’m a serious smoker and I only do that shit if I don’t have to get anywhere near a car.

My brother (one of the greatest stoners in history) has a theory that no matter how high you are, in three hours you’re going to be okay. I have tested this theory, and the man is right. This is why I love weed.

Oh god, there is nothing worse than math class high. In college, I smoked a gravity bong with one of my friends and then went to my afternoon classes - I was like, whatever, second semester senior year, who gives a shit. Except my afternoon classes were Arabic and trig and I basically felt like the teachers were the…

CLEAVAGE RHOMBUS!

It’s not infringement because fashion is not protected by copyright in this country, which is absurd and something I literally wrote a thirty page paper about in law school.

The most interesting thing about Iggy Azalea is that her real name is Amethyst.

My brother and I were walking home from the bar last night when he said Trump’s dick is probably like a knuckle and I seriously almost committed public fratricide.

My favorite response to those tweets has been “Let us know when you kill Osama bin Laden.”

What Elagie is describing (in an incredibly condescending way - I’m fairly certain they have no idea how long I’ve been alive 🙄) is a ridiculous liberal fantasy that is helping no one. I love Hillary Clinton and yes, I wish that she were president because she would be incredible and she busted her ass but that is…

Highly underrated adult beverage, but you cannot have more than two or you will live to regret it in a colorful and painful way.

I’m fairly certain his laugh gives angels their wings.

I like him. He’s a lot sillier than Jon Stewart though for sure. I think it took me a minute to get used to it, but now that I know I’m not going to get biting angst and satire like Stewart, I like it. Plus, I’d bang him like a screen door.

I personally love that from the angle the photo was taken, the top book looks like the title is “Stab.” I realize it’s probably Star, but I dare to dream. Also, I’ve had white russians.

Sartre’s is an empty aluminum trash can that you can buy at any hardware store.

Yeah, that is not how presidential succession works. Like, at all. If Ryan is tainted, we get Orrin Hatch. If Hatch is too, then it goes to Rex Tillerson, and so on down the line.

She sounds fun.