I've had three hairy babies (pictured above), but that's some next level stuff.

I hope this works. If the NFL can reduce kickoff returns by 5-10% then football will be a safe sport.

For some reason, I read this whole story as Rod Serling.

I barely get to the movies as is. The fact that they’re expensive, and require a babysitter, and have 20 pre-show ads that elicit audible sighs from the audience

Add making me side with Fox News to the reasons I hate Donald Trump.

No, it also works with atari 2600.

Republican party to Trump: “please remove your gaping maw from our dog whistle. You’re getting spittle on it."

Death penalty for killing an animal seems entirely reasonable. Great comment.

“I didn’t see the dog murdered. I heard about it. I don’t like it. But my people are passionate and some of these dogs, look they’re bad dogs, and my followers are passionate. They’re passionate about America. And a lot of it, most of it, is a beautiful thing.”

his own damn fault. You want to be an aggressive sonofabitch on the road, you accept the risk. Hopefully he got a fairly sizable ticket to go along with his wrecked SUV.

I love this angle

This is gonna sound insensitive but I honestly have NO desire or wish for all these reboots. Gilmore Girls, Full House, X files...the talk of Friends. There is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too much good TV out there to waste time on what Emma is doing in college. Who the fuck cares?

“...his genitals came flying out of his shorts while trying to beat five seconds.”

Albert, what is the minimum dollar amount for which a corporation should be allowed to sue? Is it a hard figure, or is it dependent on the wealth of the defendant? Oh wait, you have no idea, and you are making less sense than Brian McCann discussing unwritten rules.

They don’t need the money or the exposure. Should they be leaping at the chance to spend several days in close quarters with a Stepford wife religious fanatic? Team Olsen twins!

i’ve thrown up on two separate occasions thanks to how painful my period cramps were

Oh god, I’ve been there too. The worst was that I was seen immediately for a blood test, then waited two hours for results, then they hit it with an ultrasound and BOOM it was gone literally thirty seconds after I sat on the table. Could have saved a whole lot of time and agony if they had just tried that right when I…

general and localized sluttiness actually. you may be putting your household/neighborhood at risk

Remind me, will this vaccine give me autism, Zika, general sluttiness, or all three?

Or maybe Jezebel should ask one of their lawyer commentators for some assistance before drafting posts about legal issues. I’ve been volunteering for years. Just like when Gawker posted that awful article lambasting the aunt who sued her nephew for a broken arm without any context for why or how that could happen…