I’ve been spending so much $$$ on weed lately, just to keep sane.

Geez, give the guy a break! He meant to say Holocaust Plazas, where people could sit and relax and enjoy the sound of the beautiful Holocaust Dancing Waters fountain.

You might consider experimenting with drugs yourself in the hopes of reaching some level of inner peace. Because I’m here to tell you right now, your “I was cleaning my gun when it went off” excuse is not going to fly once the jury gets to know you. Find another path.

I don’t want Goldie to get beaned, but starred for accurate description of “MLB’s concussion protocol.”

Somebody should give her a Pepsi.

This seems a little too cute. Have you ever put a scale next to a countertop or something and tried to make yourself lighter by pushing against it? You can do it, but doing it precisely is insanely difficult. It would probably take you several minutes to find exactly 1.2 pounds of pressure, and you probably wouldn’t…

I have never watched the show, but from clips I’ve seen on The Soup, I think this gives every one of them too much credit.

Obviously it is not possible for this asshole to suffer brain damage greater than what happened when he got his umbilical cord wrapped around his neck, but hopefully the colostomy bag will keep him from doing more jumps where he can cause injury to innocent bystanders.

this list really tapers off

Tell them you are Zoroastrian and ask them if they would like to join you for a weekend to learn more about your beliefs. I bet they will leave you alone.

I keep trying to get my daughter to respond to the “you’re going to hell” thing with, “Good, I want to be reunited with my parents when I die.” But she won’t do it.

I read this and it sounds horrible, but then I think of the poor children who are born trapped in that bullshit and I feel even worse for them. Getting tricked into a party seems pretty minor compared to growing up with Karen Pence as your mother.

So I guess you are a Trump voter?

My prediction is that there will be fewer people attending the games because they are tired of gambling and prostitution than there will be people attending the games in the company of a prostitute, carrying a betting slip with a wager on the outcome of the game.

I’ve never noticed that in this gif! He looks down the bench like “ruh roh!”

What about the unborn babies and the murderous sluts who want to kill them? What about all the brown and black men stealing our jobs and our white women? What about all those people in the middle east who have our oil and their own false gods? I’d let the government give all of my discretionary income to a billionaire…

It’s freaky to think there are at least a dozen interns a day trying to get a piece of that.

Wait, Trump doesn’t know how to ride a bike? Is it normal for people born and raised in NYC not to know how to ride a bike, the way they don’t know how to drive?

This shit is dark...

destined to be a happy dummy that will eat shit for the right pay