If I do this in slow pitch softball then round the bases at a leisurely pace, will Adam Wainwright come after me?

Let me guess: you're a cyclist, and being a bumbling Internet bitchnugget totally IS your thing?

This one gets all the wins

Yes indeed. Season ticket holder.

Not for my rapidly aging heart.

Why not hire Steve Bartman? He’s done more for that franchise than Jennings ever did.

Lots of elements of Secret Warriors as well. I don’t say this about many authors, but Hickman has an automatic read from me, regardless of what he puts out.

Mmmmmmm....incapacitating

Down goes another of Vladamir Putin's critics

Chip Kelly: Reality Football Wizard

On the plus side he was just put in charge of the House committee on Science.

I give this troll attempt 3 out of 5 Derps.

Kaplan and Haugh are the sports talk versions of Hitler and Stalin.

"I was sitting in my box at Ford's Theatre cheering on that nice Wilkes-Booth gentleman. Wait, what was the question?"

Only when there is a national tragedy in the capital of their home country, which was the point of the Pens doing "O, Canada" before their game. Which was the point of the article you just sort of read.

When 60% of a professional sports team's players are Canadian, thats why its done.

And another member of the Ferguson PD figures out how the Internet works.

Jim Crow plays both sides of the ball.

Bah Gawd King, stop tha dahm match! It's over!

It's high time they took away the NFL's bullshit "not for profit" designation.