Dancing with two thumbs up is the official signal for, "more Miracle Whip on my American Cheese sandwich, please."

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This should be everyone’s avatar for today.

The gif that keeps on giving.

Oh shit, sorry, wrong post.

Fun fact: People who sanctimoniously harp on the small errors of others often lead successful, exciting lives.

Elton Brand’s career earnings to date? $165,338,631. Probably should have gotten that degree, though.

You will not be considered part of the Duke family, in my mind as well as many others. You have by no means proved yourself worthy of that title.

Completing a mile in 9 minutes means moving at 6.66 mph, which is much faster than walking pace.

I'm proud to be an American, where at least I know my cheddar biscuits will be free. And I won't forget the men who died, so I can bitch about automatic gratuity.

That looked like a win for the Timbers coach to me. Flipped the tissue, said "Scoreboard bitch", and walked away leaving the Dallas coach looking like a little kid....

“Wait...you can trade players for...for HAM SANDWICHES?!?”

I wonder how this would shift if we adjusted it from "what people are making" to "what we expect that lifestyle to look like." Your bills should be paid, you should be able to afford a roof over your head, and you shouldn't have to worry about where your next meal is coming from. I was well over the lower bound in the…

The problem with this is that you’re saying it’s on women to fix the issue when the issue lies with men. On a more surface level, not smiling and nodding and giving eye contact can and often will get you the feedback that you’re too cold and not friendly enough.

Would it help if some of the women stopped accepting everything you say at face value? Because that is another way that women can address this. Stop smiling and nodding so much, stop giving so much eye contact.

I've seen people pretend they were Superman, but this is the first time I've seen someone pretend to be Christopher Reeve.

Jeebus, do they make you turn in your shoelaces every morning when you get to work?

As a kid I shaved the chocolate butterfingers to make them "chicken nuggets" and scooped some ice cream as "mashed potatoes" for my dad when he got home from work.

At some point in history my kids got possession of fake dog shit that looks troubling real. They use it often and it has been an April Fool's staple in the past. This morning I went into the bathroom and saw it on the floor, Ha Ha real original guys. It was only after I'd picked it up with my bare hand I realized…