If Riley had his way, very few NFL safeties would be free.

I would comment, but I just don't have a dog in this fight...

Jesus Christ, Michael. Keep your brother on a leash!

Later, at the Eagles practice facility: "I will apologize to every nigger here."

Ryan: Can we post his bail?

It's crazy to look back on the OJ case today and think, wow, if his trial were in Florida, he probably wouldn't even have murdered Nicole and Ron.

His excuse that he was just "three sheets to the wind" isn't going to help.

well Terrence beat us both to that.

Now if only fans would stop giving it inexplicably high TV ratings, maybe we could kill the damn thing.

In the mood for something disappointing on tap, try a new Tim Couch or Tim Couch Lite.

Ugh what a horrific waste. What the hell are the Ducks gonna do with all those towel racks?

Guy: [punches moose, misses]

There is no logic behind Aron relinquishing his Icelandic soccer identity.

How about that, Iceland really is green.

Looks like the Phillies have only two choices: let Young walk or Texas Ranger.

That makes two people that wouldn't know a proactive solution if it smacked them in the face.

Holy shit. Spot ON.

I'd guess that the median Deadspin commenter is a 34-year-old white male with middle-to-high income but also above-average alcohol consumption. So we're taking about a remaining live expectancy of 47 years, give or take. My best guess is that you'll die in 2060, perhaps just a few days before Sasha Obama wins her…

Well, it's not like he really had a shot at becoming the biggest dick in his family anyway.