SPOILER ALERT:

The highest-earning TV actress is Flo from the Progressive Insurance commercials, but that doesn't mean I necessarily have to be psyched that he was getting his first handjob while she was being born. Fires are scary as fuck. Melissa Etheridge won her case against ex Tammy Lynn Michaels. She claims to have suffered…

Does this mean I have to send money to Israel or to her Kickstarter banjo thing?

I think that if making out with someone is your big attempt to "get attention," you may have a problem.

What's the problem? Has no one heard that song? Thicke is psychic. He knew that his wife didn't "want it," and therefore tried to find someone who did "want it."

GOD, I hope that by the time Miley Cyrus is thirty-six she becomes a magical ethereal empress of earth and space and delightfulness and Mensa. Obviously I don't know her, but just her existence in the world is, like, life-affirming. Or, eventually, it could be? Right? Won't it be great when she's always saying such…

What do you have against eyebrows?

"What context are you saying it in?"

It can be said that some of his sentences are a bit tortured. And that he might work too hard to work in a reference.

I think it's lovely that freaky-deakies are free to offer themselves up to the gossip-consuming populace (mostly women) for fun and profit.

Mrs. and Mr. Catheter will be wed at the FSM Chapel on Fiddler's Green.

WhyBarryWhy, you are easily one of the more gutless commenters at Jezebel. And I mean that metaphorically. Obviously.

Nothing reflects one's individual taste quite like Ikea.

Maybe the employee simply meant that she was, in fact, "too big" to shop there.

Somebody was going to pick up that money sooner or later.

I had no idea Donald Trump knew Amanda Seyfried and Justin Long.

Damn, Coop! I thought I destroyed that argument.

“I used to look at gay men and think ‘I’m not like that; I don’t want to be like that. That’s not me.' When you’re told you’re wrong by everyone, from society, from your faith — my self-esteem was crushed. I took my anger out on those around me. I look back now and realize I would bully people who I knew were gay. I…

Mrs. Catheter knows all about you.

Always trust Fox & Friends to take that high road they tell us so much about.