no but I did

1. Get mistaken for a female prostitute
2. Got 2nd degree burns form a pop tart
3. Hit Tony Hawk in the face with a poster.
4. Made national news for swearing at BYU
5. learned how to make home made reeses

so i mean, i've got my list of accomplishments too

Yeah but my house has one major advantage over Kylie Jenner's: no Kardashians or Jenners live in my house.

THIS IS NOT A DRILL, PEOPLE! WE ARE AT DOUCHECON FIVE!

As though Mark Zuckerberg is obliged to tip you more than I am even if we receive the same service:...

Even easier than that: download a free tipping app on to your phone. This is 2015, we have the technology.

About seven years ago I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. I was lucky in that it was fairly isolated so they just chopped that sucker out, but I was devastated by the treatments. Just.. so so sick. An old friend of mine (we'd shared a really shitty apt in NYC in my early 20s and during this time she and I had had a…

My favorite part of this story is definitely Judge Judy. HOW DID SHE FIND OUT? IS SHE OMNISCIENT???

I've told this story before here. But.

When she showed up at our apartment with a toddler. Cute little bugger- looked just like my at the time husband.

"Sorcia, I'm in love with your best friend [a dude with a hilariously ridiculous name that I cannot post here]. We're moving to Virginia and I hope you'll be happy for us."

OMG that writing sample detail at the end is the best worst thing I've ever heard.

I had to take my mother to the emergency room while I was visiting her one weekend. I ended up staying for several days because she was super sick and my dad is basically incapable of caring for a houseplant, let alone a human. When I got back to my apartment I shared with my ex, the place was totally trashed and he…

I was seeing one of my longtime best guy friends (whom I'd kissed a couple times over the course of our friendship, but had just started, like, being with in any more significant capacity). He told me that he loved me quickly. The whole thing was very intense. I'd been hearing rumors from mutual friends that he was…

College, I was dating a douche y Navy ROTC dude who lived in his frat house. He bailed on a date night with me because he was "sick," so being a dutiful girlfriend, I took some chicken noodle soup over to the frat house. Walk in, walk up to his room, and there he is, banging some rando chick. I hurled the soup at…

You dated Newt Gingrich?

Also relevant to Jessica Lange's status as Shade Supreme: bulldozing past Lea Michele on a red carpet last year, and her inability to name a single Meryl Streep performance that she loves. Master at work.

We are to sleep naked, wrapped only in a thin sheet and our shame.

They don't make shapeless sacks and folded tablecloth tops for thin girls, though.

I'm also concerned.