"and there she died, happily alone and content in the fact that she would never have to have a penis blindly gyrating near her face for the rest of eternity"

One of my biggest personal triumphs as a parent of four is that I am still very close with my friends who are childless by choice. We have vacationed with them, visiting them with our brood in their home for days over holidays and have had an absolute blast. In fact, one couple just left yesterday after spending 4…

I used to enjoy memes until I took an arrow in the knee.

Unless they don't sell the ingredients you need to put a healthy meal together...

I was late for French (2nd year college so everything was in French all the time), and said, upon entering class, "Pardonnez-moi! Beaucoup de traffique." Everyone nodded except the professor who laughed, and we all looked at her, frowning. She said, "En Francaise, 'traffique' est... drugs."

Wow, I didn't know Jean-Ralphio and Mona Lisa had another sibling...

Whenever I tell the 2 year old I take care of to do something, her excuse is always "nooooo, my tummy hurts in my eye".

My best friend had organised to meet a dude she'd met on MySpace. She was well nervous and asked me to chaperone in case he was a murderer. My boyfriend was on call to provide a bail out excuse if needed.

she sounds kinda like a baller tho

"It's not common in Peru." -My go-to excuse for anything I don't want to do but don't really care to explain my personal reasons for not wanting to do it.

Don't bike stupidly in Florida, y'all. You have to follow the rules for motorized vehicles because if you mess up, you get points on your license. Or at least that was the rule when I was in college.

Omg. Once I went to Vegas on kind of a whim and knew I wouldn't be able to get the time off approved so I just....went anyway. My boss calls me and I go "I was sure I emailed you. I guess I just forgot to send the email after writing it. Oops!"

"Iraq has weapons of mass destruction."

Don't know if this is an excuse but:

This is both my worst excuse and also, what I think, is my last lie hurrah with my parents. (I think every person has that one last big lie that they try—and probably fail—to get past their parents. Mine most definitely failed.)

My parents and little bros were off visiting family in…

my dad used this at least once in my childhood when he flaked out on me. but i think that's because he actually was in jail.

Upon regularly explaining to my ex why I don't want him to promise that he will call our son at a specific time or date (because he goes at least a week between any sort of contact with us and winds up letting down a little kid), he regularly replies:

I just get so bored. There isn't anything to do. I'm so lonely. I…

I SHIP 2006.

Calvin Harris ft. Taylor Swift, "Sorry (2006)"

I know I should be talking about the shade verdicts, but I just really can't get past that

A gun in the home is 22 times more likely to be used to kill or injure in a domestic homicide, suicide, or unintentional shooting than to be used in self-defense.