Who gives a fuck about a goddamn Grammy?

Yeah, but were you aware that Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson guest starred on the 30th episode of Hannibal? In which he was made to eat Jell-o Pudding Pops under duress? Coincidence?

It is precisely this idea that Paul McCartney was referring to when he sang about "The Long and Winding Roof.."

I am making a facial expression I can only describe as sitting at the midway point between awe and horror.

I would just like to warn everyone about potential negative effects stemming from the new Doritos® Brand Cool Ranchier 9" Double Dong Dildo™. That fucking thing cuts the shit out of the roof of any orifice you insert it into. And the "sensitizing flavor powder" stains the shit out of your bedsheets.

What do you think he would do if a pregnant woman said "Ok" and then just started violently fisting herself right in front of him?

That is, literally, an awesome combination of personalities!

Pssht.. just proves they're jealous of your awesome songwriting skills and close relationship with Agent Burt Macklin.

It's the next thing in my queue! I'm looking forward to it. Right now, I'm trying to wrap up a Parks and Rec rewatch in preparation for the last season. And if you count April and Andy as one cohesive unit, I think they'd be on my list, too.

The fact that the two people I relate to most on television in the past decade are Ilana from Broad City and Charlie from Always Sunny says horrible things about my life, doesn't it?

Non-sarcastic good luck with your kid. My three-year old daughter has now taken to imitating the Cowardly Lion's "put 'em up, put 'em up" taunts while kicking and punching me after a viewing of The Wizard of Oz. Society tends to create a seemingly never-ending battle against your parental ideals. To quote the…

I don't entirely disagree, but it still sort if seems like trying to combat assault cases by limiting slapstick comedies and kung fu movies. Looking at cultural evidence from around the world, the United States is far from the only country that has a history of glorifying the gun, or violence in general, yet there's…

I'd rather focus my efforts on making sure actual guns stop being bought and sold so easily, and trying to prevent them from winding up in the hands of unqualified, racist, trigger-happy police officers. We can talk about the pretend ones after that.

If you ever get a phone call from a photographer asking you to pose for what you thought was a "German carp calendar", make sure you triple-check the spelling on the word carp. Lotta dry-cleaning that day.

Is that why all those people were saying she should know better since she's a mom? Cause at my kid's daycare there are signs fucking everywhere warning about kids with peanut allergies. If she walked in like that, I'm not sure there's enough epi-pens in the world to assuage concerned parents.

To be fair he's labeled "LA's Douchebag Boyfriend." Douchiest boyfriend in all of LA is a pretty high bar to clear.

Fun fact, your body naturally produces formaldehyde and so there's already about 16 mg of formaldehyde in your blood.

there are things labeled Parmesan that don't so you're left all confused in the cheese isle.

Lip hair don't care.